A new dawn in English cricket is upon us, and to celebrate the unpredictable maverick Kevin Pietersen has ushered in his fanfare-and-fireworks reign as South African-born England captain with one of most predictable team selections on record.
While Cow accepts Peter Moore-bid was heavily involved, the return of Steve Harmison and Stuart Broad for the third Test against South Africa at The Oval was hardly the lighning bolt to signal KP's introduction Cow was yearning for.
Broad's selection we can understand. After all, he looks eerily like Heath Ledger's character in the spectacularly under-rated First Night and thus could surely be made to look like Ledger's terrifying incarnation of The Joker in The Dark Night.
KP will know this, and being an outside-the-box kind of guy, will plan to have Broady fully made up and armed with an array of evil devices before he takes the field. If ever a bowler needed some added menace, it was Broad. Genius stuff KP, genius.
As for Harmison, aka "Harmy", aka "the sensitive northern soul who used to take wickets for England", aka "the man who's bowled some of the most ridiculous televised wides in the history of cricket", Cow is less than excited and has a Ravi Bopara-shaped hole in his soul.
The good news, however, is that Harmison is "buzzing". And he's not just doing your basic "buzzing" either. According to KP, Harmy is "properly buzzing", which he says is evident from the wide smile on his face.
Now, Cow hates to act like a patronising parent on this one, but has KP considered there may another reason Harmison is buzzing? Like the fact he's taking uppers, has just passed wind, or is simply happy that the England career he spectacularly threw away with a run of horrible bowling performances has been revived through desperation.
Let's hope he proves Cow wrong and bags a couple of Michelles.
Finally, confirmation for those who were wondering if the appointment of KP was all it seemed.
"Kevin will bring Kevin Pietersen, which is crucial," confimed Moore-bid, illustrating a fluency in PR-fodder speak that appears to be lacking in his win-Test-matches-you-lazy-bunch-of-wasters speak.
All Cow can say is it's a shame Peter brings Peter Moores.
COMING UP: County Championship - LIVE!!
TALKING POINT: Apparently KP and Moore-bid are "singing from the same hymn sheet", but what songs are they singing?
- Kevin Pietersen
- Steve Harmison
- Heath Ledger
- Stuart Broad