Cow has just received an e-mail from Stephen Hawking with a complex formula along the lines of "low career strike rate leads to post-retirement vigilante statements in English Test batsmen".
Sir Geoffrey Boycott, who once batted for 10 1/2 hours at Headingley against Australia and will never die of a stroke, now thinks five-day Tests should be abolished.
Boycott said in his Daily Telegraph column: "Tests need a makeover. They should be played over four days with faster over-rates and more imagination. Bring in floodlights for overseas games and stop using dead pitches.
"The upshot is that at a time when life is getting faster, and people have less time to spare, Tests are going in the opposite direction."
Well people needed to book a week off work if they wanted to see Geoffrey grind out a fifty while Mike Atherton, he of the 643 minute knock in Johannesburg in 1995, is just as radical.
Atherton in his first article as the new chief cricket correspondent of The Times is predicting that the pulling power of Test cricket in this country will see neutral Test matches, between predominantly Asian teams, played in England both to increase the value of television rights and as a way of exploiting the Asian market here.
He continues: "The ICC Champions Trophy is an irrelevance. The Future Tours Programme is a joke. The past two World Cups have been shambolic." Easy tiger.
What next Chris Tavare calling for players to wear maroon kit with green trim? Trevor Bailey advocating the use of plastic pitches?
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Athers has replaced Christopher Martin Jenkins at The Times, CMJ seemingly cast aside to whimsically harp back to a better time when....
"Roy Tattersall came on to bowl with the oppo nine down, resplendent in cream sweater, neckerchief and matching accessories.
"With his fifth ball he completely bamboozled the number eleven with a chinaman cupcake and hit the middle stump. He wasn't shy in purchasing a jug of frothing ale either.
"A perfect end to a perfect day."
Or something along those lines anyway.
Cow's sources at Sky say that Athers will continue to form part of their commentary team which is good news for all those who can't bare the relentless drudgery of Bob Willis all summer.
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THE OUT THE SLEDGER AWARD GOES TO: Matthew Hayden who said: "I think in any given side, there are always two or three people that look to sledge. In the Indian side, it would be Sreesanth, Harbhajan and Uthappa."
TALKING POINT: babydon_1999 reveals what happens during warm downs at Headingley: "Real men fight naked. With whippets."
And we will now only refer to the England Lions as "The Super Duper Fantabulosa Magnificent England Bulldogs Seventh String XI" following the_kop2003's suggestion
Today - How would you liven up Test cricket? Does it need modifying?
COMING UP: Follow Yorkshire v Notts in the same way as Michael Vaughan (he's out again) on a laptop plus the other four games in the CHAMPIONSHIP. And it's Symonds, Gilchrist and co in action for the Deccan Chargers v Kings XI Punjab in the IPL at 3.30pm.