Why does English Cricket hate the general public? Haven't the general public always been good to English Cricket?
Now, Cowers hates the general public, but does so for good reason. Cowers hates the general public with just cause: because they walk slowly; drive badly; buy novelty ring-tones for their mobiles; they talk about celebrities on first name terms to fill the cavernous gaps in their own lives; they knock over your motorcycle whilst attempting to reverse park and then claim they didn't, even though you watched them out of your window...
...they wear gaudy clothes that are too tight for their soft, milky bodies; they clap and cheer when aeroplanes land; they read children's books about wizards and magic and think it makes them smart; they turn shopping for groceries into a form of torture; they buy huge cars and big houses because they lack the imagination and intelligence to think of anything more worthy to spend their staggeringly unjustified salaries on...
...they push; they scream; they shout; they spit; they litter; they dawdle; they peep their horns; they lie; they cheat; they whinge and moan; they laugh at things that aren't funny; they cry at things that aren't sad; they buy things that aren't worth anything...
...they are ignorant, cretinous numskulls.
But what have the general public ever done to upset Cricket? Nothing, as far as I can tell. So why does Cricket treat the general public so poorly?
What is Cowers talking about? Does English Cricket hate the general public? Yes it does, and here's the proof:
1. English Cricket waits until thousands of fans have taken their seats in anticipation of a mouth-watering Twenty20 Cup clash before announcing that the game will be postponed because the ECB are investigating Yorkshire for fielding an ineligible player, Azeem Rafiq...in a group match nine days previously.
2. English Cricket refuses to continue playing if the sky becomes a little gloomy overhead, or if a little drizzle begins to fall...or if the sun is reflecting off some far away building, or if the grass is wet, or if the pitch isn't quite right.
3. English Cricket continues to build stadiums without overhead shelter for spectators, despite a temperate climate which sees rainfall on average once every three days throughout the summer.
4. English Cricket has banned from its ground: flags, banners, musical instruments, klaxons, rattles, fancy dress and oversized hats, beer snakes - whilst simultaneously allowing over-rates to plummet to snore-inducing levels.
5. English Cricket re-organises and re-shuffles its leagues and competitions every other season, to the point where the general public neither know nor care about their county's successes and failures.
Cowers hates the general public. But not as much as English Cricket does.
COMING UP: Lancashire take on Middlesex in a Twenty20 Cup quarter-final...red tape, slightly cloudy weather or damp-grass permitting.
TALKING POINT: The general public - what do you hate most about them?
FEEDBACK PROOF THAT THE GENERAL PUBLIC SUCK: jude_surf's cretinous appearance on the Cowers messageboards yesterday.
- English Cricket