Luis Suarez this, Yaya Toure that... good grief, how dull and predictable are all of these end-of-season gratification features?
Early Doors doesn't roll like that, though. You know it. We know it. Richard Scudamore knows it.
So, we've put together a worthy starting XI from the 2013/14 Premier League campaign based on more interesting merits than such tripe as scoring goals, creating assists and crying at the appropriate moments.
Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments section below - but save your conservative, 'deserving' ideas for those dullards over at Pitchside...
GK: Kieran Gibbs
We were going to award this to Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain for his super-save against Chelsea, until Andre Marriner phoned up to inform us that we were suffering from a case of mistaken identity. And, of course, refs are never wrong. Ever.
RB: Marouane Fellaini
Odds-on to be going right back to Everton in the hopes of looking vaguely useful once more after a season to forget at Manchester United.
CB: London's route 11 bus
If it wasn't for this ever-present service from King's Road to Fulham Broadway, who knows how many Chelsea would have let in?
CB: Fernando Torres
An all-Chelsea central defensive pairing is completed by the fantastic efforts of Torres, who has done more to ensure clean sheets than any other player this year.
LB: Erik Lamela
Nobody has been left back in the changing room more than Tottenham's colossal waste of money. Will surely overlap onto countless 'worst Premier League players ever' lists.
DM: Tom Cleverley
By reacting to universal mockery of his performances during a dismal season for Manchester United by claiming his football 'would be more appreciated in Spain', no midfielder has struck us as more defensive than Poor Tom.
RW: Paolo di Canio
Di Canio. Right wing. We shouldn't have to spell it out any more than that.
LW: The 'Moyes Out' plane
A wing which covered more meaningful distance than anyone else at Old Trafford this term.
AM: Man City’s bank manager
Is there anyone better at performing 'in the hole'? Surely the winner of the assists prize, having directly assisted City's transformation from relegation fodder to champions.
ST: James Chester
Absolutely deadly in front of goal, the Hull defender will have an even better season next year if he can remember which way he should be facing.
ST: Nicolas Anelka
And if anyone knows a thing or two about finishing, it's Le Sulk, whose 'Quenelle' goal celebration and subsequent unrepentant behaviour ensured his West Brom career was finished in double quick time.
- Sports & Recreation
- Richard Scudamore
- Premier League
- Manchester United
- Luis Suarez