Early Doors

Purple-faced banishment

Early Doors

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the most famous scientific theories that shape the way the world functions are Newton's Law of Gravity, Einstein's
Theory of Relativity and Fergie's
Rule of Purple-faced Banishment.

latter theory states with complete certainty that any footballer who crosses Alex
Ferguson will be immediately be flung out of Manchester United by an
unstoppable whirlwind of fury.

of the volatile phenomenon include Paul Ince, Jaap Stam, David Beckham and Ruud
van Nistelrooy - and Carlos Tevez is next.

has surely booked himself a one-way ticket on a train to another, less rainy,
city (copyright Nemanja Vidic, 2008) after launching a broadside at Fergie over
his contract situation.

Argentinian has accused Fergie of lying, saying the manager's claim that he has turned down a new deal is

didn't like him [Ferguson] saying I didn't
like the offer I was made because neither my agent nor me were given one,"
Tevez said.

don't know anything about my future.
United know what they must pay if they want me to stay. I want to stay but the
club have not made any offer. I've
been waiting for a year and a half."

have never been overly keen on meeting the £32 million asking price from Tevez's right-holders MSI (yes, ED thought that had been
proven to be illegal, too), and this outburst means there is now more chance of
Fern Britton winning the Derby on board Willie Thorne than there is of the
24-year-old securing a permanent deal at Old Trafford.

the good news for prospective buyers is that Tevez will officially move to any
club that puts a contract in front of him.

a club comes to me and offers a five-year deal I will accept it for peace of
mind," he said. That could be you, Lincoln

Tevez is axed from United's Carling
Cup team on Wednesday night, you know he'll
be off by the end of the month.

- - -

people wondered why Wayne Bridge was so keen to escape the cosy confines of Chelsea to get embroiled in a relegation battle at Manchester City.

the announcement that Graeme Le Saux has agreed to take part in ITV's hit (is there an 's' missing from that word?) show Dancing On Ice, it
all becomes clear.

see, 'Bridgy'
(a nickname based on his love of police drama Nash Bridges) is one of football's great characters.

wise-cracking left-back's hilarious quips
include: "I've got a
good engine and a good left foot so I'll
be looking forward to showing that on the pitch," and: "There are some
quality players here already, and I'm
looking forward to playing alongside them."

he needs greater public recognition to secure a future as a full-time media
personality, and the way
Bridge figures it:

Manchester City = first-team football = place in England squad =
notoriety for crucial cock-up at World Cup = regular slot on Hole In The Wall.

logic is impeccable, with former Dancing On Ice star David Seaman having taken
a similar route to mainstream fame.

Chris Powell and Michael Ball will tell you, England left-back is one of the
most prestigious jobs in football and opens up all manner of lucrative job
opportunities after your playing career is over.

you're not going to get yourself squeezed
into a pair of chiffon pants and be slagged off by that camp Australian
with the scarf if you're warming the
bench every week.

shudders to imagine what gesture Robbie Fowler would use to greet the news of
Le Saux's ice-dancing antics, but the
former Blackburn defender is no stranger to
the bright lights of ITV prime time, having reached the final of Vernon Kay's Gameshow Marathon in 2007.

probably doesn't say much about the
average footballer's brainpower that
one of the most cerebral players of his generation ended up losing at Play Your
Cards Right to Kevin Webster off Corrie.

- -

Roman Pavlyuchenko has revealed why he has been such a
monumental flop at Tottenham.

"I'm not Maradona. My job is to get the ball and
either pass or score. That's

the other reasons for Spurs'
failure this season: Heurelho Gomes is not Lev Yashin, Michael
Dawson is not Franco Baresi and Darren Bent is not Gabriel Batistuta.

FOREIGN VIEW: Espanyol's Cameroon
international Carlos Kameni had to be separated from a fan during training on
Monday after he called for the goalkeeper not to bother renewing his contract
with the club.

The 24-year-old, whose deal with the Liga strugglers expires at the end of
the season, grabbed the fan by the scruff of the neck and allegedly shouted: "Do
you want to die? I am a professional. Respect my work. Respect me!"

Team-mates eventually pulled him away but a supporters' club later called for him to be sacked.

Kameni was at fault for Athletic Bilbao's
equaliser in Espanyol's 1-1 draw on

Kameni did not speak afterwards but Espanyol defender Sergio Sanchez said
the whole team were feeling the pressure of being 18th in the standings:
"I would have probably done the same," he said.

COMING UP: Tottenham play Burnley in a Carling Cup
semi-final first leg, and we might just see the parading of Jermain Defoe
before kick-off if Spurs get moving. We have full live coverage
from 20:00 UK

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