Mario Goetze went from beloved star of Borussia Dortmund to reviled traitor when it was revealed in the middle of last season that he would be leaving the club for Bayern Munich over the summer.
He then made matters worse this weekend by coming off the bench to score the first goal in Bayern's 3-0 win at Dortmund. Though he did celebrate by putting his hands up as if to say, "Please don't hurt me."
This is a list of things he will do in the near future to make life even worse for fans of his old club.
- Buy up all the chocolate in Dortmund and then decide he doesn't really like chocolate and throw it all in the ocean.
- Tear the last chapter out of every book in the Dortmund University library in a misguided attempt to save students time.
- Raise a son, Wario Goetze, who will show great footballing talent at a young age. He will urge Wario to sign for Dortmund, where he will shine in the youth ranks. Upon turning 18, Wario will sign for Bayern Munich even though they didn't really need him.
- Volunteer to spend a day helping to build houses for the poor in Dortmund, but at the end of the day, he will forget to return the tools he borrowed. He will promise to send them back, but keep forgetting, which slows construction a bit.
- Make it so all pornographic websites redirect to this image when accessed from Dortmund.
- Act humble and meek when confronted by angry Dortmund fans in the street, making it hard for them to see him as a purely evil cartoon villain and forcing them to confront their commonly held simplistic views of other people that don't take human flaws into account.
- Touch door handles and railings all around the city while he has a bad cold, infecting everyone with an illness that is resistant to medication and forces them to stay home from work, crippling the local economy.
- Send Dortmund manager Juergen Klopp a happy birthday email that's loaded with gifs and malware laced images that crash his computer, destroying all of his detailed scouting reports for the season before he could back them up. And it's not even Klopp's birthday.
- Borussia Dortmund
- Bayern Munich
- Mario Goetze