The 8 reasons that Russian hockey urination video is very fake (Puck List)

(As the NCAA hockey season is done, our own Ryan Lambert needed something on which to opine. Say hello to a special Tuesday series from yer boy RL, PUCK LISTS, in which he arbitrarily lists hockey things.)

This week, a video surfaced apparently showing a Team USA hockey fan jiggling and urinating in the Russian team locker room at the IIHF world championships.

Here are eight reasons it’s obviously very fake.

8. I don't buy dude's accent

The pee-er himself, Mike, says “Datsyuk” in a very strange way, first of all. It is the only word he says in the video, and it's not a particularly American-sounding accent.

The person behind the camera has a more believable accent, of course, but it sounds more than a little put on. In addition, the first words out of his mouth are, “You guys, we're at the World Championships in Moscow. In the dressing room of the Russians.”

So many things wrong with that quote, from a believability perspective. First of all, that kind of expository “THIS IS WHERE THIS EVENT IS LEGITIMATELY TAKING PLACE!” statement is a bit much, no?

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Second, “the dressing room of the Russians” is not how any American would talk. You hear “dressing room” in hockey around here sometimes, for sure, but far more often it's “locker room.” Where do you hear “dressing room” far more often? Europe. That's where.

(Also Canada, the Europe of North America.)

Third, listen to the way he says, “Moscow.” The accent breaks there.

Finally, “dressing room of the Russians” is also not a thing an American would say because the grammar is all wrong. “We're in the Russians' locker room!” is the correct line read for this situation, which is totally fake.

7. It's bleeped

If you're making a viral video of a dude peeing in a place where he 100-percent absolutely should not be peeing, one thing you for-sure have to do is make sure all the swear words are bleeped out, and that you have quick turnaround on that.

The description originally posted with a story by The Mirror, says “The video was allegedly captured after Russia thrashed the USA at the Ice Hockey World Championships yesterday.”

So that was Sunday afternoon. For this video to have gotten online and spread around by Monday morning to the point where it's showing up on the Puck Daddy radar is not implausible. For it to have done all that after it went through some kind of video editor is, however, less plausible. The fact that it seems to have been deleted by the original up-loader in that short timespan raises another red flag.

We'll get back to the timeline issue in a second, though.

6. If you were making a fake viral video about what fat stupid pigs the Americans are, this would be the video you would make

Backwards hat, morbid obesity, rude idiocy, playing Stereotypical Russian Music, the Uncle Sam smiley face body paint, etc. This is such a caricature it's either stunningly real or remarkably fake, and in this case you have to lean toward the latter.

Also, wouldn't one camera at the World Championships have captured video of a big fella like this with his chest painted with a Smiley Face Uncle Sam at the game? Like, for a single crowd shot? But no one seems to have any evidence of that. Weird. Almost like the video is … fake.

5. The timeline doesn't make sense

Again, the quick turnaround time. And again, as we know, the video now making the rounds isn't the original.

But we also know from the Mirror's story on this that the “Viral Videos 2016” in the bottom left corner is actually a watermark placed on top of the original video, which is originally credited to “YOUTUBE/scott edwards.” Okay so, Scott Edwards is the guy who went over there with his big fat American pig buddy and snuck into the Russian room. Except the only “ScottEdwards” I've been able to find on YouTube — and I tried scott_edwards, scott.edwards, scott-edwards, ec. — is a guy who uploaded one video two years ago:

This is not the kind of video one might typically see from a urinary scofflaw who travels overseas to watch the Americans play in the World Championships.

More to the point, though, the Mirror's story says this is uploaded “after the game.” Which was the bronze medal game. The last one either team would have played. So why is everyone's jersey and equipment hung up nice and neat? How long after the game would these dudes have had to stick around, undetected, for all that stuff to get laundered and hung with care in each stall?

4. You don't see or hear any pee

If this is a Zapruder film, there's no back and to the left here. Presumably if a guy is drunk enough to pee into Pavel Datsyuk's skate, he is gonna have a pretty strong stream going. Any evidence of that at all in this video? Nope.

I ain't buyin' that.

3. Russia is very famously super-lax about security for sure

Oh yeah you can 100 percent definitely just waltz around the Russian arena any old place you want potentially hours after a game. They wouldn't have been trying to turn over the crowd for the Canada/Finland gold medal game. They wouldn't have shot you with a machine gun for getting down into the bowels of the arena in full-on Team USA gear. They wouldn't have taken you to an FSB site for going into the Russian room.

Not with Vladimir Putin in the building, that's obvious. Go shake the guy's hand even if you want. He loves when people do that!

2. The guy's wearing a [expletive]-ing Matt Hendricks jersey

Let's suppose, for a second, that the Team USA jersey dude is wearing was even a remotely recent model. It's not, but let's assume it is.

The number on the Hendricks jersey is wrong. There ya go, full-stop. In the video the jersey is No. 26, which is the number he wore in Washington and Nashville. But both times (here and here) he's played at the Worlds, he's worn No. 23, his number with Edmonton this past season. Also, he has been captain both times, but dude's jersey is lacking the “C.”

More to the point, though, who the hell buys a Matt Hendricks Team USA jersey?

1. The Russia jerseys are wrong

Look at the two prominent Russia jerseys in the video. The first is the No. 87 shirt of Vadim Shipachyov, to the right of the screen when our hero starts his dancing schtick. It's just wrong. Compare the one in the video to this Getty Images photo in which the numbers are smaller, and in a different font.

That's a problem given that this is the official Dressing Room Of The Russians, who would have just finished a game in these sweaters.

The wrong numbers are also on the shoulder of the Datsyuk jersey which gets “peed” on. Then there's the size of the captain's “C” on the front of the sweater. Compare, once again, the one in the video to the one in this picture from when he won bronze yesterday. Again, way too big.

Pretty fake.

You would think the Russians would be better at making anti-American propaganda by now. Which leads us to a villain so nefarious only it could be the real culprit: Canada.

We're through the looking glass here, people.

Ryan Lambert is a Puck Daddy columnist. His email is here and his Twitter is here.

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