The Rundown

The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

The Rundown

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Hull decided to mark their appearance in the 2014 FA Cup final by releasing a commemorative toilet seat, featuring the club colours on the lid and a picture of Steve Bruce on the underside.

This literally crap present is a surefire contender for title of 'worst football-related present ever'... but the competition is very, very strong.

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

If you thought that you might get away with hiding your love for Hull whenever Steve Bruce was politely closed, you'd be wrong: the toilet seat itself beats the Tigers' famous stripey colours

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

Liverpool's quite incredible 'Hawaiian shirt' became a sensation when it was unveiled a few years ago - not least because of the eyewatering £40 price tag. But you can't argue that it's the perfect shirt for a true fan: as our pals at Dirty Tackle put it, "whoever wears this shirt will always end up walking alone."

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

What else would Manchester City sell but a piggy bank? After all, the club itself has been used as a fragile and faintly ridiculous place to put amounts of money that could surely have been better used elsewhere.

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

Manchester United released 500 of this limited edition, signed print of a disturbingly disfigured Rio Ferdinand jumping on Wes Brown's back. Somehow, it sold out.

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

Liverpool fans have only one true fear: how can they continute to show their dedication to the club when stripped off for bathing purposes? Problem solved with this marvellous rubber duck.

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

You may not be as fat as Newcastle United's famously tubby uber-fan Keith 'Beefy' Roberts. But at least you can pretend to be, thanks to this magnificent £14 t-shirt that gives you the look without having to dedicate yourself to a lifetime of overeating and indolence!

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

It's a dog's life supporting Manchester United these days. Luckily, the Red Devils have exactly this eventuality covered.

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

Why have a tape measure when you can have a Chelsea tape measure?

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

Okay, Spurs fans, quick straw poll: how many of you haven't woken up one day and thought, "you know what, the only thing I need to make my life complete is a pair of miniature, pink boxing gloves with the Spurs logo that I can hang off my rear-view mirror"?

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

If you think some of the things on sale in Britain are odd, at least they're not as disturbing as this: Brazilian Serie A side Gremio will sell you a hunting knife with colour-coded handle and sheath sporting the club logo. Perfect for self-defence at those fiery derby clashes!

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

The hunting knife has nothing on this, though: Borussia Dortmund's club shop genuinely sells bottles of barbecue grill cleaner. You couldn't make it up.

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

Back in the Al-Fayed era, Fulham could have populated this slideshow all by themselves thanks to the sheer weight of crazy Mohammed Al-Fayed memorabilia. Like this nodding Mo, for example.

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

...and no self-respecting Cottagers fan would transfer files from one computer to another without their Al-Fayed USB stick...

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

...but the best of the lot has to be the poster of the man himself stripped to his budgie-smugglers. Who knew what lay beneath the tubby businessman facade we all knew and loved?

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

Breakfast times in the Midlands used to be dreary affairs until the brainboxes at Aston Villa discovered a way to let fans put the club initials in their toast.

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

The 'Sexy Managers' calendar is one of those presents that seemed like a brilliant, hilarious idea at first. But would you really want to spend the whole of January staring at a picture of Jose Mourinho and Pep Guardiola recreating a scene from Brokeback Mountain?

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

Club shops have one big problem: how do they screw more money out of fans who have already bought the home, away and third team strips each season? Chelsea provide the answer: by suggesting they also buy the 'inflatable' kit as well.

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

Colchester's games were pretty dull last season: they scored just 53 goals in 46 matches. Not that their fans cared, since they were busy in the stands playing with their club branded Rubik's cubes.

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The worst tat, crappiest presents and most pathetic souvenirs in football history

So let's say you decide to buy all the gifts in this slideshow. Who will deliver them? Why, a Liverpool-branded Santa Claus, of course!

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