"England gave the world football. Then, 50 years later, some guy came along and said, 'You're liars', and they actually stole it. It was called FIFA. Fifty years later, another gang came along called UEFA and stole a bit more." - Premier League chairman Sir Dave Richards at a conference in Qatar. He later apologised for his "light-hearted" comments, despite the fact that he almost certainly meant every word.
"In our country and in Germany, we have a culture. We call it, 'We would like to go for a pint', and that pint is a pint of beer. It is our culture, as much as your culture [in Qatar] is not drinking. There has to be a happy medium. If you don't do something about it, you are starting to bury your head in the sand a little bit because it needs addressing. You might be better off saying 'don't come'. But a World Cup without England, Germany, the Dutch, Danes and Scandinavians... it's unthinkable." - Dave Richards again, as he tells the conference in Qatar where they're going wrong in organising the 2022 World Cup.
"SPLOSH!" - The noise made by a fountain pool in Qatar museum as - you guessed it - Dave Richards toppled in during the same conference. He is flying the flag, people, he is flying the flag.
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Nostradamus award for prediction of the week
"The margin of victory does not impress me. I have absolutely no fear that Bayern will score seven goals in one game [against us]." - Basel coach Heiko Vogel dismisses talk that in-form Bayern Munich could beat his Champions League hopefuls as badly as they'd thrashed Hoffenheim at the weekend. Basel lost 7-0 - slightly worse than the 7-1 Hoffenheim managed.
Arsene Wenger award for whinge of the week
"The Barca-Madrid war, in footballing terms, doesn't allow our successes to be seen. I think they appreciate us more outside of Spain." - Barcelona lynchpin Xavi grumbles that more people in his homeland don't grovel, kowtow and carve graven images of the Catalan team, as is their right as footballing demigods.
Shakespeare award for comparison of the week
"If Pele thinks he's the Beethoven of football then I'm Ronnie Wood, Keith Richards and the Bono of football, because I have so much passion." - Diego Maradona's jibe at his arch-rival for that 'greatest player of all time' tag. Pele had earlier said that he was"born to play football the way Beethoven was born to write music and Michelangelo was born to paint".
Edith Piaf award for regret of the week
"I was primarily duped. My advisers were duped, the bank was duped, the shareholders were duped. We've all been duped... I've made a huge mistake here. And I deeply regret, I deeply regret, selling the club to Craig Whyte now. Deeply." - Sir David Murray does everything he can to avoid understatement in describing his feelings about selling Rangers, yet still somehow comes up short.
Dalai Lama award for unflustered sage of the week
"Ben Hogan was hit by a bus when he was 36 but he came back from that and won six Majors. In that context, Tiger's strained Achilles tendon doesn't seem quite so serious." - Sky golf pundit (and former Tour pro) Rob Lee puts the Tiger Woods injury in perspective amid fears that the great man will never win again. Hogan was very nearly killed, incidentally, and was told by doctors that he would never walk again, much less swing a golf club.
Frankie Boyle award for sick chant of the week
"You're going down with your chairman." - Derby County fans' chant directed at Nottingham Forest supporters during the midweek derby match, referring to late Forest chairman Nigel Doughty who was found dead last month aged 54. The Rams subsequently issued an apology.
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The Job Centre
"When you have a club, if you need a striker, you buy one. When you're the national coach, you have to make do with the players your country has. If you don't have a striker, you just don't have one. Moreover you almost never see the players. Two days every two months: it's very difficult... (So do I want it?) I am not sure. I have a very good job at Tottenham and I'm happy there. But I don't know. Wait and see." - Harry Redknapp opens his heart to French sports newspaper L'Equipe about the pros and cons of becoming England manager. Well, more just the cons really. The pros - working a couple of days a month and getting paid up to £6 million a year - seem pretty obvious.
"I think that it's difficult to envisage Lewis in our team. I think he's comfortable in the environment that he's in and we're certainly comfortable with the two drivers we have. We also took a decision to invest in youth and we've got two really exciting youngsters that are entering GP racing in Jean-Eric Vergne and Daniel Ricciardo - both talented drivers and deserve that opportunity." - Red Bull boss Christian Horner closes the door on Lewis Hamilton ever moving from McLaren to join F1's current top dogs.
"Three letters: MGM - here I come." - Disgraced boxer Dereck Chisora clearly has no worries about where his next pay cheque is coming from despite being stripped of his licence by the British Boxing Board of Control. The BBBC's decision only affects fights planned for the UK, and Chisora is clearly confident that the Nevada State Athletic Commission will let him fight in Las Vegas instead.
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Best of the rest
"They come with a bit of a tag about being arrogant and if you asked any team they'd probably say the same thing. They're a good side and are full of winners, but when they lose they don't like it. They're bad losers and hopefully they'll be bad losers on Saturday." - Ireland's Stephen Ferris's refreshing honest appraisal of England ahead of their Six Nations showdown.
"The race in which Scotsirish and Garde Champetre were killed should never have taken place, given that it was run on dangerously firm ground. The layout of the cross-country course does not allow the operators to soften the going by watering what was officially termed 'good to firm' ground. Rather than take the precautionary step of calling off the race, officials risked the lives of the horses, and two paid the ultimate price." - Animal Aid spokesman Dene Stansall's powerful accusation aimed at Cheltenham officials after three horses died on the opening day of racing's greatest festival.
"I think we are in a business when the person who happens to be in the ascendancy in a brief moment in time is going to be the name on everyone's lips. That certainly wasn't the case for me during long periods of this year. Now we've had a couple of good results maybe my name is being thought of a little bit more highly. If we are talking about top quality jobs in English football, it will be a case for people to research the profile and the type of person they want to do the job. That should go beyond whether you have won or lost the last few games." - West Brom boss Roy Hodgson on speculation linking him to the England job in the light of Tottenham's recent slip-ups.