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32 Of Alan's Most Outrageous And Funniest Lines In The Hangover

 Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover.
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover.

Zach Galifianakis' Alan Garner in The Hanger is easily one of the funniest characters of the 21st Century, and probably in all of cinema history. In a movie that is full of hilarious moments, no one comes close to matching the number of amazing lines that Alan has. So far, there have been three movies in the Hangover franchise, but the first one is far and away the funniest, so here are all of our favorite lines from Alan in the original Hangover.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace, is it?

Probably the most oft-repeated line from the movie is this classic when the crew are checking into Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas at the beginning of the movie. Just remember, no matter how many times you've heard it in your life, have some sympathy for the people who work at the actual casino.

The Wolf Pack from The Hangover
The Wolf Pack from The Hangover

You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So there were two of us in the wolf pack. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack.

Alan is a lovable weirdo, and his explanation/toast of how he lives his life, as a member of a wolf pack, pretty much says it all. Cutting his hand to be "blood brothers" was going too far though.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.

Alan saves the day at the end when they need to raise $80K dollars to pay Chow and get Doug back. Alan, it turns out, is a pretty good card counter. Which is foolproof, as he proves. "Fool" is the operative word there.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

What about the tiger? What if he got out?

Since audiences don't see what actually happens in the night, other than the photos at the end, we're left wondering why there is a chicken, a tiger, and a baby in the room when they wake up. That's a dangerous combination.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! Please! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.

Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong) jumping out of the trunk of the car is the funniest moment in the movie, and Alan immediately tries to gain his trust in a very Alan way.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.

Ok, Alan is a weirdo, but he's a creep too? This is a line, about schools and kids' pizza places we'd rather not read too deeply into, as we want to like the character. Yikes.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.

The most dramatic moment of the unseen bender must have been when Stu (Ed Helms) married Jade (Heather Graham). She's not the kind of girl you'd take home to Mom, especially after you've given her your grandmother's ring that she managed to keep hidden through the Holocaust. At least Jade is a sweetheart.

A scene from The Hangover
A scene from The Hangover

“Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?”

Of course, Alan still uses a pager, right? What else would he do? Would anyone trust him with an actual cell phone? The thought is terrifying.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either... I'll hit an old man in public.

The only thing for certain with Alan is that nothing is for certain and you never know how he is going to react to anything or anyone. Take, for example, the poor guy at the gas station who just wants to admire the Mercedes. Alan isn't having it and lets him know in no uncertain terms.

Zach Galifinakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifinakis in The Hangover

Pants at a time like this? I don't have any...

Alan is the first to discover the tiger in the bathroom and as he tries to explain what's going on, he just doesn't have the time or the inclination to put any pants on. Not at a time like that.

Zach Galifinakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifinakis in The Hangover

Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.

After revealing he only uses a pager, it makes sense that he would need to be aware of where the nearest pay phones are. Of course, it's the 21st Century and those aren't really a thing anymore, even in hotels. Luckily, there are phones in the room, which Alan is okay with.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

The Doug we're looking for is a white.

Alan does not mean to be offensive, it's all an innocent mistake when he tries to explain that Mr. Chow is turning over the wrong Doug after they pay him back. Black Doug (Mike Epps) seems like a good dude, just let it go, Alan.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Halley's comet.

Halley's Comet comes around once every 75 years and the most recent visit was in 1986. It's going to be a while, Alan, but you've got plenty of time to plan for it.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.

Man purses are a convenient way to carry stuff around, and Alan isn't afraid of the reputation they might convey. He's proud of his handy satchel and one of the greatest action stars of all time in one of the best '80s movies, uses one, so why shouldn't Alan?

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it. Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone. You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.

Alan understands the basics and nothing is more basic than "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Don't tell a soul – and that's before everything happens!

Galifianakis in the Hangover
Galifianakis in the Hangover

How's my hair?

Everyone has a little vanity and while wearing a wolf t-shirt with white jeans doesn't phase Alan, he is concerned with how his hair looks. We all are. Even if it's Galifianakis' beard that steals the show.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

I think the cop car part's pretty cool.

One thing that stands out about Alan's weirdness is that it's complimented by his enthusiasm even if it is also misplaced. Like when they discover that somehow they ended up valet parking a police car. It seems like a bad situation, but Alan likes it.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

And we're the three best friends that anyone could have!

Okay, okay, hanging out with Alan for more than about two hours would be maddening. He proves that nicely in the car to pick up Doug. Stu and Phil (Bradley Cooper) are rapping about finding Doug and going home and Alan wants to be a part of it. His choice of songs, an original written by him, is pretty awful.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

Hey, you guys ready to let the dogs out?

Even in 2009, it wasn't cool to reference the Baha Men's "Who Let The Dogs Out." Actually, it wasn't even cool in 2000 when the song came out. Still, Alan is ready to rock, letting all the dogs out. Woof Woof Woof.

Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.

On one hand, it's nice of Alan to properly season the steak that they are trying to feed to the tiger with the sleeping pills, so they return the cat to Mike Tyson. On the other hand, it's disturbing that Alan is so confident in knowing that tigers like pepper, but no cinnamon.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

Hey, there's skittles in there!

When Mr. Chow gets mad at the boys for not returning his money, he shows his displeasure by smashing the bag he thought the money was in. There wasn't money, but there were Skittles and wow does that set Alan off. Don't mess with the man's candy!

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

Oh you know what, next week's no good for me, the Jonas brothers are in town.

Alan wants to run with his new wolf pack, he wants to be best friends forever. Unless it interferes with his Jonas Brothers concert plans. Nothing gets between Alan and the Jonas'.

Bradley Cooper and Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Bradley Cooper and Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

Okay, well, maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupt a casino.

Alan is pretty stupid in many ways, but when it comes to counting cards, he's second only to Dustin Hoffman's famous character in Rain Man.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

I've found a baby before.

Well, this explains why Alan was so comfortable with the baby in the Bjorn across his chest. He's done this all before! Who among us hasn't found a baby before?

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

Drunk driving. Classic.

First, isn't it kind of weird that with Doug missing, Phil, Stu, and Alan are all enjoying a nice breakfast by the pool? Setting that aside, Alan's laughing about drunk driving is one of the more uncomfortable laughs of the movie. The three of them can't remember anything but they did valet a car so... yikes.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

Yeah, I checked all the rooms… no one’s there. Check its collar or something.

As if the chicken and the tiger weren't enough, there was also that mystery baby left in the closet of the hotel villa. Who's baby is it? Hard to know when you can't remember anything. If only babies had collars like dogs, Alan's idea would've worked.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

In the real world, The Hangover was released about eight years after 9/11 and it was kind of just around the time that people started dabbling in jokes about that tragic day in U.S. history. Alan wouldn't have cared either way, he was angry about how security on airplanes changed.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.

Alan has feelings too. In fact, he feels deeply and he is genuinely worried about his future brother-in-law, Doug. He doesn't want Doug to die like his Grandfather during World War Two. Which would've been a few decades before Alan was born, but who's counting?

Zach Galifianakis, Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis, Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms in The Hangover

Uh, if we're sharing beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You cool with that?

By the end of the movie, Doug, Stu, Phil, and Alan might have a real bromance going on, but it doesn't start that way. Alan wants to bunk up with Phil, who is not having it, and who can blame him?

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

Easy. You just pour kerosene over a ferret, light it on both ends, put it in.

Okay, this is where things get pretty dark when you think about it. How exactly does Alan know so much about lighting cars on fire and why does he think it's best to use living animals? Again, it's best we don't ask too many questions and just let Alan go, he's probably (hopefully) lying about his experience.

Zach Galifianakis and Bradley Cooper in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis and Bradley Cooper in The Hangover

I don't think you should curse around the baby.

Of all the guys to be entrusted with the mysterious baby, Alan would be most people's last choice, but he proves pretty early on that maybe he wouldn't be the worst parent. Of course, moments later he smacks the baby with a car door. Oh well.

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

It says here we should work in teams. Who'll be my spotter?

Alan decides early on he's going to learn how to count cards. It's not long into his book before he realizes it's best to work as a Blackjack team. He asks who's with him and no one takes him seriously. Luckily, Alan kept studying.

When Stu is finally at his wit's end, he tells Alan, "You are literally too stupid to insult."Alan, being Alan, sees that as a compliment, and thanks him for it. And that pretty much sums up everything about the lovable weirdo that he is.