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What absolutely will happen in the Premier League this weekend
It’s back! WWHITPLTW is back for 2018! Full of optimism and misguided confidence in its ability to predict what will happen when one aimless mid-table Premier League side takes on…another aimless mid-table Premier League side.
Anyway, it’s all about Sunday afternoon, when Liverpool and Manchester City will surely provide the game of the season so far. 0-0 it is then.
Let’s begin…
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Chelsea v Leicester
Put your mortgage on…
Alvaro Morata’s rock-bottom confidence to hinder him again. While Cesar Azpilicueta earnestly searches for a chance to deliver that cross, Morata has looked hapless with the ball at his feet, running the ball into cul-de-sacs and squandering one-on-ones like there’s no tomorrow. Sadly, there is a tomorrow, and it will take some time to restore Morata’s cutting edge.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
October 1997: Des Lynam can’t quite get his head round the name of “Pegguy Arphexad”, who then goes on to frustrate Chelsea for 89 minutes on his Leicester debut…until Frank Leboeuf finds a glorious way through.
Crystal Palace v Burnley
Put your mortgage on…
One goal deciding it at Selhurst Park. These two are not designed for a goalfest: just 39 between them in 44 Premier League games this season, the sort of ratio that Harry Kane alone would fancy himself to beat.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
May 1979: Terry Venables’ Crystal Palace only need a draw at home to Burnley to take the Second Division title, but go for the win anyway. The reward is a quite emphatic pitch invasion…
Huddersfield v West Ham
Put your mortgage on…
West Ham to continue their gentle revival under David Moyes. Their FA Cup display at Shrewsbury was a miserable, unwatchable one, but this is their undoubted bread and butter and a win here could lift them, somehow, into the relative comforts of mid-table.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
February 1972: A wonderful west Yorkshire mudbath, and a belting, six-goal FA Cup tie…
Newcastle v Swansea
Put your mortgage on…
A drab game, except for Jonjo Shelvey doing something a bit silly with one of his old teams in town: shooting straight from the kick-off, booking the referee, that sort of thing.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
January 1995: an FA Cup fourth-round tie at St James’ Park is settled with a hat-trick from Newcastle’s elite striker of the 1990s….Paul Kitson.
Watford v Southampton
Put your mortgage on…
These two have mustered one win in their last 10 Premier League games combined. It’ll come down to who’s the least terrible at Vicarage Road and Watford (who are still up in 10th, mysteriously) should just about edge that honour.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Xavier Gravelaine: possessor of a great name, but only two Premier League goals. Funnily enough, they both came for Watford against Southampton, back in 1999.
West Brom v Brighton
Put your mortgage on…
A point apiece. Both of these Albions know their aim for the season is to reach the 40-point mark, so one in the bank from the Suffix Derby would be an acceptable afternoon’s work. Fans of either side will probably need to stay up until 11.45-ish to see the highlights on Match of the Day, though.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
BAGGIES TROUSER A PRECIOUS POINT
Tottenham v Everton
Put your mortgage on…
Jordan Pickford to be grasping at thin air. The £30m signing has impressed during his busy debut season with Everton, but there’s a lingering suspicion that he might just lack the vital two or three extra inches of height that an elite goalkeeper probably needs.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
April 1992: Gary Lineker’s final home match for Tottenham starts swimmingly as they storm into a 3-0 lead…only to be ruined by an Everton comeback that’s completed by the brutal left boot of a young David Unsworth.
Bournemouth v Arsenal
Put your mortgage on…
Bournemouth to make Arsene Wenger squirm in his seat in the stands. Arsenal are preparing to enter their annual period of uncertainty – contracts up in the air, star players eyeing an escape route…and careless points dropped to lesser lights.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
ARSENE SUSPECTED AS GUNNERS BLOW UP AT BOURNEMOUTH
Liverpool v Manchester City
Put your mortgage on…
An absolute belter. This isn’t the most inspiring of Premier League fixture lists, perhaps, but the mid-table scrapping on Saturday will give way on Sunday afternoon to the headline bout. These two have presided over 39 goals at either end in their last 10 league games combined, and the shop is unlikely to be shut up at Anfield.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
October 1995: City go to Anfield for the second time in the space of three days – having already lost 4-0 in the League Cup – and are annihilated again. Six goals to nil.
Manchester United v Stoke
Put your mortgage on…
If Stoke get even a point from this game, I’ll….well, let’s not get carried away with promises. They’re 16/1 outsiders at Old Trafford for a very good reason.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
November 2008: A rampant Ronaldo leads the charge as United put Stoke to the sword at Old Trafford. The first, the sort of free kick he’s been trying to repeat for the last decade, is simply awesome.
