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#AgainstModernFootball - football on the big screen

Justin Bieber Akan Main Film Bareng Cristiano Ronaldo?

Every footballer fancies themselves as something of a film star. They might not admit as much publicly, but nearly every Premier League player will have, at some point, gazed in the direction of Hollywood with stars in their eyes. But football and film should never mix. Never.

Fundamentally, football possesses many factors and traits that should, in theory, make it prime for immortalisation in film. It is, after all, a naturally dramatic pursuit, intertwined with narrative and tales of personal struggle and accomplishment. But too many fall into the trap of believing one should in hand with the other. They don’t.

Take the Goal trilogy, for instance, and its countless cameos of uncomfortable and awkward footballing stars. A rags to riches plot should have made for a compelling watch, but all three films were wrapped up in product placement, laboured cliches and painful acting by David Beckham, Zinedine Zidane and Raul. When the highlight comes in the form of a foul-mouthed appearance from Mike Ashley, it’s safe to assume an Oscar probably isn’t on the cards.

There have been so many failed footballing forays into film and yet lessons still haven’t been learned. If they had there wouldn’t be a film about Real Madrid, this week reportedly starring Cristiano Ronaldo, Justin Bieber and Clint Eastwood, in the works. A film about Leicester City’s Premier League title triumph wouldn’t be in pre-production either.

Perhaps the problem for film-makers is that the Premier League already boasts enough big-screen gloss. Derby matches and title deciders have just as much glitz and glamour applied to them as blockbuster premieres. There’s very little else that can be added to the inherent theatre of the sport, with some of its recent tales too far-fetched even for Hollywood. A script that had Iceland reaching the quarter-finals of the European Championships would have been derided for being too fanciful.

Then there’s the task of depicting an actual football match. James Cameron managed to create a realistic sinking ship for Titanic, with Steven Spielberg making us all believe that an alien with a light-up finger needed to go home in E.T, but not one film director has managed to successfully directing a big-screen football match that wasn’t cringeworthy.

Maybe it’s because actors tend not to be especially great football players. Santiago Munez, the lead character in the Goal trilogy, seemed to make it all the way to Real Madrid with little more than a clumsy keepy-uppy and cumbersome volley. Sometimes it was a cumbersome overhead kick so unconvincing you could almost see the wire holding the stunt double above the ground.

Football matches in films are never really like they are in real life. Defenders always nervously tip-toe their way around advancing attackers, under instruction from the director not to spoil the sequence with an intervention. It’s like watching a game played on hot coals or a bed of nails, with every ‘player’ covering the ground like a dressage horse.

Of course, there are some exceptions to the rule. The footballing match in Bedknobs and Broomsticks is a classic scene, but mainly because at no point is it meant to be taken seriously. Although some lower league fans are accustomed to watching matches between elephants and hippos refereed by a man watching from between his fingers.

Escape to Victory is also something of an anomaly, even if Sylvester Stallone’s goalkeeping is far from convincing and just a little bit erratic. If Ronaldo is to one day get his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame perhaps he should take some tips from Pele and Ossie Ardiles on how not to look like a compete pillock on the big screen. Even if he doesn’t make his way on to the big-screen, he should probably seek advice for that.

There has been a recent renaissance of the sporting film, with the Damned United a decent effort and Moneyball even nominated at the Academy Awards. But if the screenplay isn’t written by Aaron Sorkin, don’t bother. If it your footballing film doesn’t feature an ape goalkeeper hanging from the crossbar, don’t bother. And if Beckham and Zidane make cameos, definitely don’t bother.