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#AgainstModernFootball - footballers’ autobiographies

Zlatan Ibrahimovics's book bucked the trend

As soon as the full-time whistle blew at Stamford Bridge on Monday night, crowning Leicester City as the unlikeliest of unlikely Premier League champions, the dollar signs must’ve started ringing in the eyes of the Foxes’ players. Each member of Claudio Ranieri’s squad will reportedly receive a £15,000 bonus for their achievements, with the club itself set for a £250 million windfall.

But in football there is a more consistent money spinner - autobiographies. Seemingly every player to have ever graced a Premier League pitch has one and rest assured, by Christmas all 20 members of the Leicester squad will have books available at all good petrol stations. Even Demarai Gray, who hasn’t made a single starting lineup this season, will have put pen to paper (or more accurately, will have had a ghost writer put pen to paper).

Jamie Vardy’s autobiography has already been announced, with the confetti barely settled on the streets outside the San Carlo Pizzeria where Leicester’s players enjoyed a celebratory lunch on Tuesday afternoon. His book - originally titled ‘My Story’ - will be released on October 20, giving George Lineker more than enough time to get a copy to stuff in his Dad’s Christmas stocking.

However, how much value is held in the term ‘autobiography’ when it comes to modern day football players? Are we to truly believe that in between scoring title-winning goals, chatting s***, getting banged Vardy was taking out his notepad and scribbling down a daily Dear Diary? Or maybe he carried a dictaphone around the King Power Stadium dressing room?

Of course, Vardy’s book might actually be somewhat interesting, given the way he has so unexpectedly risen up through the English lower leagues all the way to the England team and now the peak of the Premier League. His story is so compelling it will now be turned into a Hollywood movie, with Vinnie Jones mooted to play the part of Nigel Pearson. He’s already started reading up on ostriches.

In fact, in many instances footballers’ autobiographies provide a rare insight into the sport. Like Sir Alex Ferguson’s second book following his retirement as Manchester United manager, in which he dished the dirt on Wayne Rooney and revealed how he came to anoint David Moyes as his successor.

Perhaps the most compelling footballing autobiography was Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who right from the opening chapter went after Pep Guardiola, calling his team talks as a coach “advanced bullshit about blood, sweat and tears, that kind of stuff.”

But for every genuinely interesting footballing autobiography there are countless volumes of complete humdrum. Who really wants to read Leon Osman’s autobiography - ground-breakingly titled “My Autobiography”? Or Darren Huckerby’s? Or Brad Friedal’s? Or Richard Edghill - whose most interesting career quirk saw him replaced by Sun Jihai at Manchester City?

Press conferences and media interviews are mundane enough, with players and coaches currently in the game reluctant to open up and yet for some reason footballing autobiographies still fly off the shelves. The more renowned figure, the more tedious tale it would seem. Take Wayne Rooney, for example, who has two autobiographies (despite the fact he hasn’t even read two books in his lifetime). If ever a synopsis was needed of the Manchester United striker’s book it would be: “Growing up in the spotlight wasn’t easy, but now I’m really rich for playing football and I suppose that’s okay… you know?”

So prepare yourself. Whilst Leicester City’s run to the Premier League title is still gripping and charming at the moment, saturation point will be reached. Maybe it will be when Vardy’s lookalike tagalong gets invited on the Graham Norton Show to talk about his autobiography? Maybe it will be when Richard and Judy slap a book club sticker on Mark Schwarzer’s tale of how he watched every single game from the bench? There will be more volumes to Leicester’s fairytale than an encyclopaedia.

It won’t just be book shops that will be annexed by the Foxes’ Premier League win. It would be simple enough to avoid such saturation were that the case (because who really visits Waterstones anymore?), but Ranieri’s players will also be on your booze - with Wes Morgan set to appear on bottles of Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum. And on your bags of crips, as Walkers run through all the limited edition flavour names that didn’t make the cut before Vardy Salted and Salt and Victory.

By this time next year Leicester City will be endured through gritted teeth. The whole squad will have probably written an autobiography together, taking it in turns to write down a single word each until some terrible conclusion is reached like a game of Cards Against Humanity. They’ll release a charity Christmas song featuring Bono (because all charity Christmas songs feature Bono). And your bookcase will be filled with the books of Vardy, Morgan, Riyad Mahrez and the Vardy lookalike tagalong. Leicester City’s story is a great one, but how many times are you prepared to read it?