Graham Ruthven

Arsenal to offer Alexis Sanchez a litter of puppies as part of his new contract

Another year, another contract standoff at Arsenal. They should be used to this kind of thing at the Emirates Stadium by now, but nonetheless the club has been sent into a spin over the news that both Alexis Sanchez and Mesut Ozil are considering their respective futures in North London.

Arsenal will visit the home of a rival club looking to make the most of their situation, with Manchester City reported to be keen on Sanchez. And so the Gunners will up their contract offer. We all dream of being loved the way Sanchez loves his dogs Atom and Humber. The Chilean lives for his dogs, so Arsenal will count on Sanchez accepting their offer of a litter of puppies as part of his contract. Anything to ward off City.

Someone will finally tell Man City’s defence the Mannequin Challenge is over

Some were later to the Mannequin Challenge than others. Madonna’s attempt, for instance, was somewhat belated, coming after everyone and their gran had done it. No really, even grandmas tried it. So someone should probably tell Manchester City’s defence that the fad is over.

Pep Guardiola’s team had conceded seven goals in their last two Premier League games before the midweek win over Watford. We get the joke, guys. You can stop now. Nobody is impressed with how long you can stay still for anymore. The Mannequin Challenge is no longer a thing. Just like Guardiola being the best coach in Europe is no longer a thing.

Marcos Rojo to claim two-footed tackles have a different meaning in Argentina

Two games, two reckless two-footed tackles from Marcos Rojo. Jose Mourinho must be fuming, not because his defender is putting his team at risk of being reduced to 10 men, but because he got a touchline ban for kicking a water bottle while Rojo got nothing for attempting to snap an opponent’s shin. Twice.

Rojo will lodge his defence as he prepares to go for a hat-trick of rash lunges against West Brom this weekend. Two-footed tackles, he will claim, have a different meaning in Argentina. Back home, they are considered a term of friendship, endearment, the centre back will say. After all, this defence worked for Luis Suarez.

Slaven Bilic will let the London Stadium take post-match questions after West Ham lose again

West Ham might have claimed a 1-0 win over Burnley during the week, lifting them up to 15th place in the Premier League table, but with just four points separating them from the bottom three Slaven Bilic’s side most certainly find themselves in a relegation battle this season.

Their struggles have been put down to a myriad of different things, but many believe the move to the London Stadium has been a factor. And so with Hull City inflicting a damaging defeat on West Ham this weekend Bilic will allow the club’s new stadium to field questions from journalists in the post-match press conference. “London Stadium, how do you respond to accusations that you are the cause for West Ham’s struggles so far this season?” No comment? That doesn’t look good.

Everton to hide Ronald Koeman’s Christmas tree for the Merseyside derby

Sometimes Ronald Koeman forgets which team on Merseyside he is the manager of. Like when the Dutchman decorated his office Christmas tree, he used red tinsel, red baubles, even red lights to hang on the branches of his fake fir, proudly posting a picture of his handiwork to Twitter as if it wouldn’t prompt frothy faux outrage.

With Koeman struggling at Goodison Park, so far failing to win over his new fans, Everton will hide his infamous Christmas tree for the visit of Liverpool on Monday. They’ll need to confiscate that red Santa hat Koeman plans to wear on the touchline as well.