Alternative PL preview - May 6

Claudio Ranieri will shake the hand of every fan at the King Power Stadium before spraying them all in champagne

Football doesn’t do nice. Nice guys finish last, unless you’re Claudio Ranieri who took relegated-tipped Leicester City and ran all the way to the Premier League title with them. The Italian is so nice it’s only natural to be cynical of him - what’s he really up to? What’s he plotting?

Ranieri has made a habit of shaking the hand of every journalist present at his press conferences, even toasting his side’s title triumph with them on Thursday. A cynic would say the Foxes boss has made such friends with the media to pre-empt any harsh criticism in the possible event of a bottle-job, but in the spirit of Leicester City’s new world let’s assume Ranieri is quite simply just one of the good guys.

And so with the Foxes set to take the party at Jamie Vardy’s house all the way to the King Power Stadium to celebrate with over 32,000 of their own kind, Ranieri will take the time to shake the hand of every single fan present. It might take him until the start of next season, but that won’t stop him. And when he’s finished he’ll spray them all in champagne, like an F1 driver in a Gulf state. Not even free donuts and beer can compare.

Manchester City’s game against Arsenal will be beamed to Pep Guardiola’s virtual reality headset

For Pep Guardiola and Manchester City alike, the season is all but over after this week’s Champions League semi-final results. Sure, the Sky Blues still have to secure their place in the top four but plans are now being drawn up for next season from a bunker somewhere in deepest, darkest Bavaria.

With Bayern Munich playing on Saturday Guardiola could just watch City’s match against Arsenal on TV like any normal person, but the Spaniard perpetually seeks a deeper understanding of the game. It’s for this reason that he’ll watch the match from the Etihad Stadium on a virtual reality headset, beaming footage directly into his eyes. Only then will he figure out a way to turn Yaya Toure into a marauding right-back.

Marouane Fellaini will find his true calling at the Anthony Crolla fight

It’s all so clear now. Such was the madness in Marouane Fellaini’s slap-punch double on Robert Huth last week there had to be an ulterior motive. He couldn’t have done that out of sheer pigheadedness. There had to be a real reason. Now we know.

With Manchester United away to Norwich City on Saturday afternoon the Belgian would have faced quite the task to make it back to the North-West in time for the boxing. His assault on Huth last week was evidently his audition tape to make the undercard for Anthony Crolla’s fight against Ismael Barroso at the Manchester Arena on Saturday. It’s his true calling. It all makes sense now.

West Ham’s team bus will struggle to find a parking space due to all the moving vans

For the penultimate time, Upton Park will host a West Ham United home match. 112 years of history will be packed up and moved across the city to the Olympic City, where the Hammers have signed a 99-year lease. That’s going to take a lot of boxes, and a lot of moving vans.

In fact, there will be so many moving vans at the Boleyn Ground on Saturday the West Ham team bus will struggle to find a parking space. They’ll have to risk a ticket by bumping it up on the kerb like a single parent leaving their child in the car whilst they nip into a Spar shop for milk and dishwasher tablets. Hardly ideal preparation for a Premier League fixture.

Harry Kane will drop his summer mix tape before Spurs’ game against Southampton

“Be ready. Something exciting coming this summer,” Harry Kane tweeted on Thursday evening. Accompanying his tweet was a moody black and white picture of the Tottenham Hotspur striker donning a pair of oversized headphones, the kind footballers can be spotted wearing strolling into dressing rooms at Premier League grounds every weekend. It’s only reasonable therefore to assume that he’s dropping a mix tape.

Like Kanye West at a fashion show at Madison Square Garden, Kane will tease out his debut record before Spurs’ home fixture against Southampton on Sunday. Guess work has already started on who he will collaborate with. Clint Dempsey - or Deuce as he is known on the streets - was a bit of a rapper during his time at White Hart Lane. Perhaps he’ll feature. Or maybe Kane will rhyme on a track with Jay-Z. Maybe he’s ‘Becky with the good hair’? He does have good hair, after all.