Graham Ruthven

FIFA to charge Liverpool for Steven Gerrard tributes

Steven Gerrard announced his retirement from football this week, with the tributes paid to him the most poignant since last week’s tributes to him after leaving the LA Galaxy. Liverpool fans will herald one of their greatest ever players at this weekend’s home game against Sunderland, pricking the ears of FIFA.

FIFA’s pantomime villains were the bad guys once again this week when they charged Wales not just for their players wearing poppies, but their fans too. Sitting around their Death Star boardroom table, the governing body clearly doesn’t stand for tributes of any kind. And so this weekend they will turn their focus to Liverpool and their Gerrard acclaim. Fans won’t even be allowed to mention his name without a charge sheet landing on the Anfield doormat.

Jose Mourinho to blame a lack of luck for forgetting to close the garage door

Manchester United have endured a difficult start to the season, with the Old Trafford club slumped in sixth place in the Premier League after 12 fixtures. Jose Mourinho says it’s down to luck, or rather a lack there of. That had Lady Luck shone upon United’s little corner of Salford they would be title challengers.

It’s not the only thing Mourinho puts down to misfortune. That time he was caught trying to circumvent a touchline ban by hiding in a laundry basket? Unlucky. His decision to sell Kevin De Bruyne only to see him become one of the best in Europe? Unlucky. The manner in which he turned Chelsea from title winners to bottom half fodder? That was unlucky too. So when Mourinho’s wife calls him ahead of Sunday’s game against West Ham to lambast him for leaving the garage door open he’ll know what to say. If only he’d had a spot of fortune on his side.

Pep Guardiola to promise Yaya Toure a giant cake if he scores again

Nobody really knew whether Pep Guardiola’s acceptance of Yaya Toure’s apology was genuine. Many suspected that had someone been lurking behind the Manchester City manager as he shook hands with the midfield rebel they would have spotted a pair of crossed fingers.

But whether Guardiola and Toure are buddies or not, the latter dug out the former with a double against Crystal Palace last week. And so the City boss will promise Toure a giant cake if he scores again at Turf Moor this weekend. Some players would want a bonus for finding the net. Not Toure. He wants something garishly coloured with sprinkles on top.

Mauricio Pochettino to avoid the Chelsea trophy room at Stamford Bridge

Having spent the past few years chasing it, like Will.E.Coyote in pursuit of the Road Runner, Spurs are sick of the sight of the Champions League. There’s not one thing they like about it. They don’t like the song, they don’t like the logo, they don’t even like the Gazprom advert. Any remember of the competition could send them into a spin, like the one they suffered in Monaco on Tuesday.

So when Mauricio Pochettino makes the trip to Stamford Bridge to take on Chelsea this weekend he will do his best to avoid all hints of the Champions League, particularly the trophy room where he will find a replica of the famous old trophy. The Argentine will cover his eyes while walking past it, which incidentally is what Vincent Janssen does when shooting at goal.

Jack Wilshere will sleep overnight at the Emirates Stadium

Two Manchester United fans attempted to pull a fast one last week, stowing themselves away deep inside Old Trafford following a tour in an effort to sneak into the game against Arsenal the following day. Ultimately, they were foiled but their audacity inspired Jack Wilshere.

The midfielder will return to his parent club on Sunday, reacclimatising himself to the plush surroundings of the Emirates Stadium even though he can’t play. But how can he possibly to go back to the mildewed baths of the Vitality Stadium after once again experiencing Arsenal’s jet stream jacuzzi tubs? And so Wilshere will attempt to stow himself and hope that nobody notices. Will anyone notice if he starts turning up to Arsenal training the next day as well?