Graham Ruthven

Gareth Southgate to bring along a copy of his C.V

If all goes to plan against Scotland on Friday and then against Spain next week Gareth Southgate will most likely get the England job permanently. The FA can’t be bothered looking any harder for Sam Allardyce’s replacement. They even bought the new version of Football Manager and set the search filter to ‘out of work’ in their efforts to find potential candidates.

But in Southgate they have someone who is perfect for the role. He is more synonymous with English footballing failure than anyone else. They couldn’t have found a better fit, but he still has some convincing to do. And so he will take along a copy of his C.V to Friday’s World Cup qualifier against Scotland, just in case anyone asks him what he has achieved over the course of his managerial career.

There was that time he relegated Middlesbrough, that time he co-wrote a book with former Northampton Town goalkeeper Andy Woodman, and who could forget that time he spent £14.5 million on Afonso Alves. Well, if there’s one thing Southgate’s appointment would prove it’s that if you sit in the seat long enough someone will eventually hand you the corresponding pay check.

England and Scotland players will have their faces painted as poppies

Poppy-gate. Forget that World Cup qualification is on the line for both nations, that’s what this game will go down as. Indeed, the issue of poppies and whether England and Scotland’s players will be permitted by FIFA to wear them has dominated the build up to the match. And so the two FAs will take extraordinary measures to circumvent the ban.

Leicester City mowed poppies into the turf at the King Power Stadium last week, but that will be nothing compared to the display both England and Scotland will put on at Wembley. The two sets of players will paint their faces as poppies for the match. Will they have enough pain for Wayne Rooney’s face?

Leigh Griffiths to come off the bench wearing platformed boots

Gordon Strachan has a problem with Leigh Griffiths. No, it’s not his hair, which resembles some kind of furry gas on top of his head. It’s not his tendency to sign about rival players being refugees. It’s his height. He’s just too small to play for Scotland.

Of course, that seems a strange criticism coming from Strachan, given that the Scottish FA have to provide him with a booster seat for press conferences, but nonetheless, that’s the reason he has given for his omission of the Celtic striker, who has scored 49 goals over the past two seasons. Griffiths will therefore take matters into his own hands against England, coming off the bench as a substitute in specially made platformed boots. If that doesn’t change Strachan’s mind, nothing will.

John Lewis Christmas advert to hit second half viewing figures

It’s that time of year again. When rotting pumpkins adorn the porches of suburban homes. When the scent of cheap explosives bought from the local corner shop permeate the air. And when the release of a certain Christmas advert for a high street department store reduces an entire nation to blubbering wrecks.

Indeed, John Lewis’ tear-jerking, heat-warming Christmas advert that doesn’t really advertise anything at all was launched this week and will no doubt be shown at half-time of the England-Scotland game. That will have an impact on the second half viewing figures as the audience pause and rewind to watch it over and over again. Maybe they’ll finally realise just how selfish that self-centred dog is being.

Nicola Sturgeon to lead the Tartan Army in doing a Braveheart

Alex Salmond won’t be on hand to wave a giant Saltire in the face of the Prime Minister on Friday night, but Nicola Sturgeon might make an appearance as spiritual leader of the Tartan Army. Like they have in the Bundesliga, the Scottish First Minister will stand at the front of the away end, orchestrating the visiting fans with a giant megaphone and a voice to make the most of it

Robert Snodgrass revealed that Strachan had made his team watch Braveheart on the bus down south for Friday’s game and Sturgeon will also take lead from the famous tale of Caledonian courage against English rule. The First Minister will orchestrate the Tartan Army is raising their kilts and displaying their backsides to the English enemy, just as Mel Gibson did. And when has Mel Gibson ever had a bad idea?