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Bluffer’s Guide To The Weekend: An Anniversary for Jose, a KW Rugby League head-to-head and Big Bash battles

Some time soon a great effort must be made to keep Jose Mourinho out of the headlines and the bluffer’s armoury. But that would be churlish this weekend, when the Special One is also the Anniversary One, celebrating – with a pout, a smouldering eyebrow, or perhaps a rare dazzling smile – his 100th home match as Chelsea manager, and his 200th Premier League match in charge.

Alan Pardew’s Crystal Palace will be aiming to poop the party when they visit Stamford Bridge on Saturday, and the well-versed bluffer will know that their away record in 2015 equals that of Chelsea (and Arsenal) and is better than any other Premier league club’s.

What Jose would most wish to receive as a double anniversary present is a centre back or two, but he will take solace in his club’s record against Palace – nine wins and just one loss in a dozen Premier League encounters.

Arsenal take their formidable away form all the way north to Newcastle, still without the big-name striker they are reputedly seeking but armed in any case with Olivier Giroud, who has a proven fondness for finding the net against the Geordies: eight goals in six matches against Newcastle, five of them using his head. Arsenal are unbeaten in their last nine matches against Newcastle but, cynics will insist, have failed to score in five of their last nine games against all opponents.

West Ham are another London side on the road this weekend, looking to make amends for last weekend’s painful defeat. In goal for the Hammers once again will be Darren Randolph, cruelly – yet justifiably, it turned out – highlighted in this column last week for his lousy record against Bournemouth.

So to be fair to Randolph, who will be playing in place of the still-suspended Adrian, we looked up his record against Liverpool because, as the most impressive bluffers will know, he actually has a record against Liverpool.

The keeper in fact made his Premier League debut against Liverpool more than eight years ago, playing for Charlton at Anfield in 2007 on the day after his 20th birthday and producing a string of remarkable saves as the already relegated London club drew 2-2.

Neutrals will wish him another good day on Saturday, but the chances of a win for his club seem slim: West Ham have not won at Anfield since September 1963, when England’s future World Cup winners Geoff Hurst and Martin Peters scored in a 2-1 win. What Slaven Bilic wouldn’t give to have players of that calibre at his disposal…

Two of the Premier League’s newcomers take on table-topping sides this weekend, and not without hope of success: Watford, still unbeaten, travel to the City of Manchester Stadium with a decidedly handy record against their opponents. In 12 matches against Manchester City, the Hertfordshire side have won five to City’s four; both their previous Premier League encounters have ended as a draw.

AFC Bournemouth, meanwhile, entertain highflying titans… Leicester City. The Foxes have won their last four league matches against the Cherries and Claudio Ranieri’s ebullient side are loving the season so far, having won three and lost none of their last four Premier League matches. But – bluffers love a but – they have never gone five away matches without defeat at this level.

Wrenching our attention away from football for a moment, bluffers versed in a rival code will be warming up for Rugby League’s Challenge Cup Final on Saturday.

This will be the first meeting in such a final between Hull Kingston Rovers and Leeds Rhinos, and also the first time that Wembley has hosted back-to-back all-Yorkshire finals. There have been other such finals (bluffers will casually mention 1908/1909/1910 and 1941/1942/1943) but none has taken place at Wembley.

Imminent players’ milestones for bluffers to raise over a pre-match pint are a looming career century for Kallum Watkins, who has so far scored 91 tries for Leeds and 8 for England, and an imminent club century for Kris Welham, who has touched down 99 times for Hull KR in 186 games since 2006. Which KW will be first to the crown?

Further records – albeit of necessity fairly recent ones – will be under attack when cricket’s most hectic occasion, the NatWest T20 Blast Finals Day, detonates at Edgbaston.

The host club, Warwickshire – in their T20 guise as the Birmingham Bears – are the current title holders and will be attempting to become the first side in the brief history of the competition to retain the trophy.

The marathon 12-hour combined semis-and-final day also features 2013 winners Northamptonshire Steelbacks, Hampshire er – actually, they’re just called Hampshire, who have won the title twice and are making a sixth consecutive finals-day appearance, and Lancashire Lightning who, cricketing bluffers will sagely note, have won more T20 games than any other county but are yet to win the title.