BLUFFERS GUIDE TO THE WEEKEND - Tonga’s cheeky Nando’s, why England rule at sport, and an Aussie beer crisis

Bluffer looks at the all important facts and figures ahead of a busy weekend of sport including reasons why England are better than Australia at sport.

There is a vitally important rugby match taking place this weekend, and every bluffer will want to know the key fact that may swing the game: yes, Argentina play Tonga on Sunday, and the Tongans will be on fire, since we have it on good authority that their squad have been at the Nando’s branch at their base in Exeter ten days running.

Not the match you had in mind: very well, England v Australia it is, and probably best for bluffers to arm themselves with reasons why England should win. These can range from the general to the frighteningly specific, depending on the knowledge level - and therefore bluffability - of your audience.

To take the broadest of pictures, for example, England are these days better than Australia at sport - a notion which would have seemed ludicrous a little more than a decade ago but which is not hard to prove.

England teams have recently stuffed the Aussies on the cricket pitch in this summer’s Ashes series, and more recently on the tennis court in the Davis Cup. We did much better than them at the world athletics championships (4 golds to nil) and on the cycle track at the 2012 Olympics. Lewis Hamilton saw off Mark Webber in F1 and is now dominating his successor, Daniel Ricciardo. Case closed.

Moving to the rugby field, in general terms England again seem well placed. Rugby is a sport in which home advantage counts for a lot in international matches, and England have won their last two matches against Australia at Twickenham, Saturday’s venue, in 2013 and last year. They have form.

A broad bluff on rugby techniques might note that England are pretty useful in the scrum, while Australia are at their best at the breakdown, and the two are evenly matched at the line-out: so the bluffer can not only remark that the match is likely to be close, but also explain why.

Moving to the frighteningly specific, only amateur bluffers waste much time with such simple matters as points scored and pack weights. The professionals are armed with stats on ball carry, kick gains and - a particular favourite - ruck speed. The fact that England and Australia have both already played Fiji allows for easy direct comparisons.

Ruck speed is significant - obviously - because the quicker a team is, the less time their opponents have to organise in defence. Against Fiji, Australia’s average ruck speed was 2.5 sec, while England’s was a relatively ponderous 3.1 sec against the same opponents. As a result - the bluffer languidly notes, no doubt drawing reflectively on a pipe for added emphasis - Australia crossed the Fiji gain line on 90 per cent of their attacks that lasted more than one phase, while for England the comparable figure was just 67 per cent.

If that doesn’t floor your audience, take a brief detour from Aussie-related sport to the Premier League.

Let’s go for brief bluffable highlights this week, acknowledging that the spotlight is elsewhere. Manchester City, somewhat flakily successful in Europe during the week, have a proud record to defend against Newcastle United at home on Saturday: they are unbeaten in their last 17 meetings against the Magpies, their best record against any team at the top level. But Manuel Pellegrini’s men are on a lousy league run, having conceded more goals in their last two matches (six) than they had in the previous 11 (four).

Also in trouble in the goals-conceded department are Chelsea, who face Southampton in Saturday’s late game. Jose Mourinho’s uncharacteristically dishevelled defence have allowed their opponents more shots on target than any other team – a frankly extraordinary 45 – while Southampton have allowed the fewest, just 17. Punishment, meanwhile, seems likeliest to be on the cards in the Liverpool derby at Goodison Park, a fixture which has seen more red cards (20) than any other match in the competition.

Australians still clamouring for attention? Try bluffing on a sport that has characteristics in common with both rugby and football.

A mere World Cup match against England is hardly even the most important sporting event of the weekend with Australian involvement. Any bluffer with extensive knowledge of the leisure scene Down Under will know that the most popular sport in those parts is not rugby, nor cricket, nor even swimming - but Aussie Rules Football, or AFL.

This super-physical rugby/gridiron/soccer hybrid has a respectably ancient pedigree and these days boasts more participants and fans than any other sport on the island continent. On Saturday the 119th Grand Final takes place at the Melbourne Cricket Ground - that’s a week later than usual, bluffers will note, because the pesky cricket World Cup delayed some early season matches. Geez - rugby, cricket, what are these Pommie upstarts?

Anyhow, Hawthorn and West Coast Eagles contest the final, meeting in the fixture for the first time since 1991. Hawthorn seek their third consecutive Premiership, and fans of both teams will hope that the troublesome local brewery workers’ strike is called off in the nick of time.