Broken silences, huge Ronaldo updates and £375,000-a-week Haaland buys toilet roll

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Cristiano Ronaldo Credit: PA Images
Cristiano Ronaldo Credit: PA Images

Cristiano Ronaldo has broken his silence and ‘his choice of outfit’ has caught the eye. Plus Erling Haaland is not actually a robot.


Gasping for air
‘Cristiano Ronaldo receives stunning £211m transfer offer in last gasp Man Utd exit chance’ – Nathan Ridley, Daily Mirror website, July 14, 9.23am.

‘Cristiano Ronaldo responds to last-gasp £233m proposal for Man Utd transfer exit’ – David McDonnell, Daily Mirror website, July 14, 11.01pm.

Looks like we’re holding our breath for another 64 days, folks. And where did that random extra £22m in 14 hours come from?


Sold short
One thing those headlines are missing is some random capital letters. Amateurs. The Sun have it right on their own Cristiano Ronaldo story, which sits proudly atop their website:

‘Cristiano Ronaldo breaks silence after failing to return to training – but wears pair of Man Utd SHORTS for workout’

As ever, it is incredibly fun to shout the bit in question when reading it out in your head. SHORTS. SHORTS?!

By the opening paragraph, we are already screaming something different:

‘WANTAWAY Cristiano Ronaldo broke his silence with a tantalising hint – as he posted a training picture wearing just MANCHESTER UNITED shorts.’

Why not go big and point out that he’s wearing MANCHESTER UNITED SHORTS?

Apparently, ‘his choice of outfit sparked speculation he might rethink his future’. Mediawatch is definitely going to call strolling around in a pair of boxers a ‘choice of outfit’ from now on.

‘Ron’s words alongside the topless gym shot offered little further clue, though, as he merely posted “HARD WORK”.’

Silence broken. But ‘failing to return to training’ is a bit rich – as the story says, ‘United granted him extra time off for “personal reasons”.’ And the bloke is hardly slouching around and snacking while watching daytime TV.

Again, this is deemed to be the biggest story in football: Athlete works out. More as we get it.


But where one leads, others must follow…

‘Cristiano Ronaldo breaks silence after fresh transfer blow as he trains away from Man Utd’ – Daily Mirror website.

‘Cristiano Ronaldo breaks silence amid uncertainty over Manchester United future’ – Manchester Evening News.

‘Cristiano Ronaldo breaks silence after asking to leave Man Utd’ – Metro website.

To be fair, 12 days since his last Instagram post is better than the usual 12 hours in terms of silence breaking. But when the message is literally just ‘HARD WORK’ accompanied by a bicep emoji, it’s more than a little underwhelming.


Ask a simple question…

‘Does this mean Cristiano Ronaldo will be STAYING at Manchester United? Veteran superstar posts workout picture wearing the club’s training shorts as he builds fitness after missing out on summer tour for personal reasons while angling for a move’

No, MailOnline. It means Cristiano Ronaldo owns at least one pair of MANCHESTER UNITED SHORTS. Good capitalisation, though. Solid effort.


Breezy going
It sounds like the Portuguese was better off missing training – or ‘failing’ to turn up – in any instance. This Daily Mirror website takes no prisoners:

‘Man Utd stars appear to struggle with Erik ten Hag training drill Ajax players breezed’

There’s an obvious riposte to that but let’s be weird and quirky and read beyond the headline instead of immediately responding.

‘The magnitude of the task facing the 52-year-old was obvious from one of the clips that emerged showing the group working on a one-touch and move exercise. The same is a form of an activation session and was common for Ajax players under Ten Hag. Concerningly though, it looked to be something that the United squad struggled with recently.

‘On the above clip, you can constantly hear Ten Hag reminding players to play the ball “on the right foot” as players struggled to grasp the concept of the drill, and in the end, Ten Hag is heard shouting at the group stating they were “making too many mistakes”.

‘In contrast, similar clips of the drill at Ajax show his former players illustrating more intensity and fluidity in their passing. It’s no secret that Ten Hag wants his United team to play fast, intricate attacking football next season, and being sharp in possession will be key to the success of the same.’

Well, the response to the headline stands: are we meant to be surprised that a manager’s training drill has been a ‘struggle’ for players he started working with 18 days ago, yet a squad he coached for five years ‘breezed’ through it?


Norway, man
But don’t be fooled into thinking all the Manchester news is coming from the red side. There is a huge update from the Etihad, too.

‘MANCHESTER City’s new £70million signing Erling Haaland stunned fans by doing a “student” shop – stocking up on tomato ketchup and toilet roll.’

Yes, The Sun website. Because famously it is only students who use condiments and wipe their arse. Not at the same time. Hopefully.

‘The Norwegian striker, 21 – who is on around £375,000 a week – was seen smiling as he loaded his trolley in Sainsbury’s next to a sign boasting of “great offers”.’

His earnings are definitely relevant. The pr*ck should be buying his essentials from Harrods. They don’t have any signs ‘boasting of “great offers”‘.

‘Rumoured to be eyeing former Man United star Paul Pogba’s £3million mansion, he snapped up two bins at £7 each and a set of four wine glasses for £9.50.

‘Other items in the Leeds-born star’s trolley included a £7.50 coffee maker, a four-bowl set for £15, a £5 pack of toilet roll and a 50p jar of English mustard.

‘There was also a box of eggs, and a kettle.’

Can we move the new season forward a few weeks?

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