Column: What’s wrong with a good old handshake at end of the match?

Steve N Allen
·2-min read
Guest columnist Steve N Allen is a comedian and writer. (Photo: Submitted)
Guest columnist Steve N Allen is a comedian and writer. (Photo: Submitted)

​They are the ones who come up to us at a wedding reception and try to drag us onto the dance floor.

They presume they know better than we do about how we’d like to spend our time.

It never happens the other way round. We never dart onto the dance floor, grab them by the hands and drag them back to a table, saying, “Go on, sit down and have a think about things. You’ll love it really.”

​’I would say, “What’s wrong with a good handshake?” but I know the answer is that sometimes even that’s a bit too close for introverts like me,” says columnist Steve N Allen. (Photo: Submitted)
​’I would say, “What’s wrong with a good handshake?” but I know the answer is that sometimes even that’s a bit too close for introverts like me,” says columnist Steve N Allen. (Photo: Submitted)

Recent news might be proving that we introverts have some wisdom that other should copy.

The world of women’s football has been rocked by the kiss that has caused more headlines than when Madonna snogged Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera on the VMAs.

If you don’t remember that story you’ll be relieved to hear that VMAs stand for Video Music Awards and isn’t an acronym for a body part.

After Spain beat us in the final, the Spanish FA boss Luis Rubiales celebrated with the team and kissed player Jenni Hermoso on the lips.

She claims she didn’t consent to it. He claims he said to her, “A little peck?” and she agreed, but do pecks happen on the cheeks or the lips?

It’s led to suspensions, legal proceedings and boycotts. Now Rubiales might have to kiss all of the players in the men’s team if they win so it looks like that’s just what he does after a match.

We introverts are stunned this behaviour happens. We’re fine without adding an invasion of personal space into a celebration.

I would say, “What’s wrong with a good handshake?” but I know the answer is that sometimes even that’s a bit too close.

It’s not about gender. In this case it’s a powerful man kissing a women but I’ve performed stand-up in front of enough hen nights to see some women ignore the boundaries of the male performers and staff.

All of it would be fixed if no-one presumed they had the right to touch people.

The life and soul of the party person is a bit hands-on for our taste. We introverts are probably noticing it more after the lockdowns.

We were spoiled when everyone had to stick to the rules that stopped uninvited hugging and kissing as a greeting.

We became acclimatised to having our personal space uninvaded.

It’s a shame it didn’t catch on because we could have been talking about the football and not the kissing instead.