Diego Costa’s Humanitarian Side

The humiliating and indefensible ousting of Chelsea from the FA cup was made all the more so by Diego Costa’s cuddly nuzzle on Gareth Barry and immediately everyone in world football was reminded what evil lays in the Spazilian. I think, however, there are possible alternative explanations to what happened on Saturday, and that Diego is really quite a good person.

1. He was checking Barry’s vital signs - Gareth Barry is 35 and Diego was possibly checking to see if the old man’s blood flow was adequate. Barry will be retiring soon, and subsequently see out his days in an old folks’ home and Diego took the opportunity to give him a comforting hug/kiss to say that it’s not all over. Gareth still has plenty to give with his arteries and veins, Diego reassured him, and that he can pick up other cardio activities after football such as bingo, gardening, and punditry on Sky Sports. What a nice young man.

2. Giving him a compliment on his choice of after-shave - Yes, it was about 80 minutes into the game that Diego was sent off, but perhaps Barry has found a perfume that can stand the test of an entire football match and still have him smelling like a fresh daisy. Diego and he were grappling all day and sometimes the urge to get intimate with a pleasing scent can overwhelm. I sense an opportunity for a Giorgio Armani cologne advert in the future for the two.

3. Diego had an aneurysm - Prone to outbursts of rage and pure ire, Diego reacted to a debatably rash challenge from Barry and immediately went headfirst, as he does, into Barry’s face but then experienced a strange array of emotions in the aftermath. Slow motion replays show the transition of Diego’s mood from outrage, to pugilist, to forgiveness, to tenderness, and then to innocence - all in the span of a few seconds. Neurologists may study the specimen inside Costa’s noggin during the inevitable domestic ban the Braspiliard faces in the upcoming weeks and months. Bridging the disciplines of sport and science in a way only Diego can, what a genius.

4. He did it for Bertrand Traoré - “It’s all up to you now, kid,” said Diego (probably) to the youngster as he walked down the tunnel at Goodison. “I’m facing a ban of at least three matches, so now there’s no excuse for the gaffer not to play you!” Fantastic sportsman and teammate he is, Diego Costa. Nevermind his bust-up with Oscar on the training grounds, or his incessant insistence on all play being channeled through him, or constantly leaving his team in the lurch - Diego Costa is an exemplary gentleman.

The most obvious answer to the question is that this is yet another Diego Costa-ism and Chelsea have to live with him. The fans love him, he can finish, and he’s a character actor - a dynamo in the entertainment side of things. However if his days are numbered, I wouldn’t be so surprised. So much has been at stake that Diego was our only frontman that could be relied on to finish seeing as Remy is still learning how to play football, Falcao is straightening his hair while in hospital, and Pato has found a spectacularly clever way to get season-tickets to Chelsea matches.

I want him to stay because he is talented but the cost(a) is too high sometimes.