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Disgracing a once proud nation by breaching a biosecure bubble
BRITISH PEOPLE IN COLD WEATHER
The youthful Fiver was a model of good behaviour. We never quaffed an excess of White Lightning before defacing the annual flower show in our local park; we never put our boot through the window of Radio Rentals to impress peers we’d didn’t even like; and we certainly never allowed lascivious urges to impair our judgment. Nope. As such we have not a scintilla of sympathy for Phil Foden, 20, and Mason Greenwood, 18, who have disgraced a once proud nation by breaching the England biosecure bubble after the win over Iceland.
Incriminating Snapchat footage shows the two enjoying the company of local females, it says here. For Foden and Greenwood, it was a costly game of Uno: having breached Covid regulations, both players have been bundled on to flight DO1 back to England. Foden and Greenwood have not been in contact with the rest of the squad, so England’s match in Denmark will go ahead as planned. “We have no alternative but to do what we are doing,” sighed Gareth Southgate. “They’ve been naive. I recognise their age but the whole world is dealing with this pandemic and there’s responsibility on every age group in playing their part and not spreading the virus. They have apologised.”
Foden and Greenwood made their debuts on Saturday, and their actions hint at an inexplicable desire to join a list of England one-cap wonders that includes Joey Barton, Neil Ruddock and Percival Parr. Southgate hasn’t yet decided whether they will be available for selection when England return to their biosecure bubble – their forever tainted biosecure bubble – next month.
“All of those things are too early, until I’m totally aware of every situation,” said Southgate. “I’m a father of young adults and I know they can get things wrong. We are not excusing that in this instance and we have to assess everything else moving forward.”
Manchester City, famed purveyors of morality, were not quite as gentle as Southgate. They released a statement to say that Foden’s actions were “Totally inappropriate … His behaviour not only directly contravenes strict guidelines related to Covid-19, but also falls well below the standard expected of a Manchester City player and England international.”
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It was an interesting experience, especially on Thursday nights when the News of the World would phone you up hoping you were drunk, to get a story” – Gerald Krasner reveals how hacks tried to get a scoop by ringing him during happy hour when he stuck his neck out and tried to save freefalling Nasty Leeds in 2004.
FIVER LETTERS
“I take exception to being told that Aston Villa had had their £15m bid for Callum Wilson being ‘lobbed back at them’ (Friday’s Bits and Bobs). By definition, to lob is to hit in a high arc over a goalkeeper and/or defender, which wouldn’t have been back to them, but over them. They could however, have dribbled, passed, thrown, given or volleyed their bid back at them” – John Szparaga (and no others).
“If Sholem Lenkiewicz (Friday’s Fiver) is correct and The Fiver is the entirely predictable result of multiple simulations can we expect a red card and lengthy ban? Please” – Neale Redington.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around the latest episode of Football Weekly. Appearing here soon.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Callum Wilson has joined Newcastle for 20 million big ones. “Along the years, they’ve had great strikers so if I can emulate half of what they’ve done, I’d like to attempt that,” he gushed.
Manchester City’s Aymeric Laporte and Riyad Mahrez have tested positive for coronavirus and are both self-isolating, but they should be back in time for the season-opening 3-0 win against Wolves on 21 September.
Two USA! USA!! USA!!! businessmen have bought a stake in Cambridge United to provide “significant new investment”. Adam Webb and Mark Green have each taken a 10% of the club, with U’s bigwig Paul Barry keeping overall control.
Seventeen-year-old tyro Ansu Fati became Spain’s youngest scorer in the 4-0 win against Ukraine. “His achievements to date are far from normal,” cooed Luis Enrique.
And Gareth Southgate said he will not ditch Kyle Walker for getting sent off against Iceland but, judging from this quote, he’s not saying he won’t ditch him for other reasons. “I am not going to rule Kyle out in the long term on that one moment,” he blathered.
STILL WANT MORE?
Our Premier League 2020-21 previews just keep on coming. No 11: Liverpool and No 12: Manchester City. Oh, and here are the the Observer fans’ previews: part one and part two.
You want talking points from the opening weekend of the WSL season don’t you? Here you go.
Big Website snapper Tom Jenkins went to watch Brentford in their futuristic new ground – and took these lovely photos for you to look at.
Ole Gunnar Solskjær shows understanding talent is often more important than being a top, top tactician, writes Daniel Harris.
Can Lost Boy James/Hames/Hamez Rodríguez break the mould at free-spending Everton, asks floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson.
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