MONDAY’S BIG STORIES
1995 and all that
[VOICEOVER]: Dear Diary,
I don’t want to keep going on about it, but May 1995 really has been a blast. It all started with Jacques Chirac winning the French presidential election – that really did feel historic – and important events have barely stopped happening since.
There was that earthquake in Greece. Braveheart premiered in cinemas. Christopher Reeve suffered that tragic accident. The Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty was extended. Harold Wilson died. So much stuff that people in the future will scarcely believe it when they look through the May 1995 Wikipedia page in the process of writing a snarky news round-up late on a Sunday night.
All that stuff was overshadowed, mind you, by the final Premier League table. Blackburn won, as I’m sure you know, but the real gold dust was further down: Tottenham seventh, Arsenal 12th. I don’t have a crystal ball, dear diary, but this feels… significant. Hard to say why. Just call it a gut feeling.
Anyway, got to rush; Men Behaving Badly is on.
[Cut to long, emotionally-charged montage sequence showing how Charlie was hit on the head and plunged into a 21-year coma, only awaking on Sunday afternoon in an otherwise-empty hospital ward, mustering the energy to turn on a television which, inexplicably given NHS cutbacks, was tuned to Sky Sports 1, and watching with rapt joy as Tottenham socked it to a listless Arsenal side, moving fully 17 points clear of the Gunners in the Premier League table.]
[Cut to close-up on Charlie’s ecstatic face]
[CHARLIE]: “Just like every year, suckers!”
[Action freezes on Charlie’s fist, clenched in the air, as 80s synthpop outro music begins and credits roll.]
Manchester: STOP THIS NOW
The Warm-Up has been manning the phones all night, generously providing a comforting ear to the poor football fans of Manchester, who appear very much to want this Premier League season to end.
The red half of the city have expressed dismay at United’s medical addiction to drawing winnable matches at home and, after this weekend, claim to be able to count the number of defenders available for selection on two fingers. And one of those fingers is actually a pen sellotaped into place – presumably a metaphor for Ashley Young, although The Warm-Up isn’t actually qualified to make that diagnosis.
Still, at least United have a tedious away-goals Europa League win over Celta Vigo to look forward to. City can’t win any trophies at all, unless there’s some gong going for getting through an entire season without a recognised goalkeeper. The Blues conceded twice against Middlesbrough on Sunday, which is the sporting equivalent of checking oneself in for a long lie-down at Dignitas.
Read the full article on eurosport.co.uk: The Warm-Up: In memory of St Totteringham