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Even idiots have had to stop referring to them as the hipster team
AND HERE COME THE BELGIANS. AGAIN
If history teaches us anything, it is that teams lumbered with the ‘Golden Generation’ tag can usually be expected to indulge in pre-tournament hubris, lose their best player to serious knack before a ball’s been kicked, take a work experience kid along as one of their strikers, forget to put the right people in the right positions, chop and change systems from one match to the next, grind out a couple of miserable wins, stink the place out, lose on penalties and end up praying that a foreigner can take some of the blame. It could be an opposition player, it could be a referee. All that matters is that the poor sod does something nefarious enough to attract heat from $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver, who only usually reaches such levels of anger when someone points out that St George’s Day isn’t a national holiday.
All of which brings us to Belgium, who have so many top, top players that even idiots have had to stop referring to them as the hipster team. In many ways they are just like Sven’s England, only there’s a chance they might actually be good at football, and the pressure is on them to live up to the hype after slightly underwhelming efforts at the past two tournaments. They’re unbeaten in 472 matches, won’t have to face any striker as potent as Hal Robson-Kanu this time, Marouane Fellaini is ready to assume Andrés Iniesta’s mantle as the silkiest midfielder in Europe and even The Fiver is familiar with most of their squad, so they must be doing something right.
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Other than a row over the lyrics in a proposed and thankfully cancelled Ethics World Cup song, things appear to be falling into place. Belgium have been given a kind draw, with the minnows of Panama, Tunisia and England expected to be scrapping over second place in Group G, and their hottest talents are in excellent form. Kevin De Bruyne has helped Manchester City win the Premier League, Romelu Lukaku is Belgium’s all-time leading scorer, Mousa Dembélé has plenty of admirers, Eden Hazard has taken Chelsea to the FA Cup final and Fellaini is Fellaini.
Everything’s going well. Which is where the sense of unease comes in. For while outsiders expect Belgium to do well, regular watchers of the Red Devils aren’t quite as convinced. For starters they lack World Cup pedigree, having failed to produce much of note since a fourth-placed finish in 1986, while there are also doubts over tactics used by Bobby M, a man who is only marginally more popular than Sam Allardyce with Everton supporters and who once tried to build a defence around Antolín Alcaraz. There are fears that a 3-4-3 system will expose Yannick Carrasco’s defensive naivety at left wing-back and while Bob can choose from some classy centre-backs, Toby Alderweireld is looking rusty after falling out of favour at Tottenham. “It’s been a concern,” he said on Monday - and if a man who once labelled Gareth Barry “one of the best English players ever” is low on optimism, then it’s surely only a matter of time before the curse of the Golden Generation tag takes hold. You heard it here first: Panama 4-3 Belgium.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“If you rejected the team, I do not think you should come back. I respect what he said and those who said ‘yes’. He has not called me, but he’s definitely not included in the plans for the World Cup” – Sweden manager Janne Andersson insists Zlatan Ibrahimovic will only be in Russia under his own steam.
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FIVEЯ LETTERS
“Re: police in Peru seizing 20,000 counterfeit Panini sticker albums with a ‘street value’ of £250,000 (last week’s World Cup FiveЯ). This would value each album at £12.50 each. Surely such a valuation can only have followed Peruvian bizzies’ recreation of Brendan Rodgers asking the Liverpool board to sign Andy Carroll for £35m?” – Rob Bartlett.
“After spotting your allusion to Paul Pogba oscillating wildly last week, I spent a fruitless five minutes reading through the rest of the thing looking for further Smiths references. Clearly I have too much time on my hands. Then again, I read The Fiver every day, so this is hardly news” – Roger Mosedale.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com with “The FiveЯ” in the subject line. Or just “World Cup Fiver” if that’s easier. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver.
THE RECAP
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Fifa’s secretary general Fatma Samoura has been reported after being accused of alleged breaches of its ethics code relating to Morocco’s bid to host the 2026 World Cup. “These claims against me are totally ridiculous and baseless,” she said.
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain will miss England’s campaign after suffering knee-knack against Roma. “Absolutely devastated,” he sighed.
Inter’s Argentina forward Mauro Icardi fears he still won’t make their final squad for Russia. “I dream of playing in the World Cup, now or later,” he chirped. “I have that goal. If it is not now, it will be later.”
Mikel John Obi says Nigeria won’t be taking it easy when they visit Wembley for a pre-tournament friendly against England in 2 June. “There will be no option for us other than to give our best,” he roared. “It will be a big occasion and a big match for both teams.”
And South Korea’s preparations are going well, according to coach Shin Tae-yong. “We’re currently studying Sweden and Mexico,” he cheered. “We’ve already analysed their friendly matches last month.”
STILL WANT MORE?
The rise of Russia’s neo-Nazi football hooligans.
A brand spanking new World Cup stunning moment: Simon Burnton on Clive Thomas’s Zico-baiting in 1974. Plus Simon on Haiti shocking Zoff’s Italy.
France’s outsiders are making late bids to go to the World Cup, reckon Eric Devin and Adam White.
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