F1: Fancy a Chinese?

Confucius said: ‘It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.’

Stupid philosopher. He obviously never tried to cross the A12 on a Friday night, or go for a pee in a football stadium, or run a Formula 1 team. Well, perhaps he was advising HRT’s sluggish señors back in 2012.

The Chinese Grand Prix can give the impression that racing is incidental to the race weekend; it’s not always a classic.

I was at the inaugural Shanghai race, in 2004, which was as memorable for the thousands of Chinese in identical T-shirts and red race caps as it was for Rubens Barrichello’s win.

Rubens won? Exactly.

The food was disappointing, unless you had a craving for rice with pineapple, and Michael Schumacher started from the pitlane. Meh.

Still, the Hermann Tilke circuit was effectively floating on swampland, so there was engineering to admire.

Less successful were the spooks who shadowed foreign visitors. Our ‘tour guide’ was inexplicably rubbish when it came to tour guiding; and, when he bumped into a broadsheet colleague in the very-hard-to-access media centre, his red face confirmed that he was no better when it came to spying on journos.

Enough history. Who or what should we look out for this weekend?

Are Lew lookin’ at me?

This is a track where Lewis Hamilton dominates. He’s won four races here – the only other driver to win more than once is Alonso and, even if his broken rib doesn’t keep him out of the race (he’s been cleared to drive in first practice, with more tests to follow), the Spaniard is not going to be pestering the podium.

Hamilton (pictured) starts the weekend with a five-place grid penalty for changing his gearbox, which was cracked in that Bahrain bump.

The world champion has been very philosophical about his bad luck this season, so expect this minor setback to fire him up good and proper. He has said his grid penalty will give team-mate Rosberg ‘an easy weekend’ but has also insisted he can win the race. Attaboy.

He has lost to Rosberg in the last five races now, even if, as he emphasises, three of those races were last season and so ‘don’t count’.

Given his record in China, it’s not so much that winning is crucial to Hamilton – it’s more that, if Rosberg beats him squarely in Shanghai, it sends out a signal that the German really could be the No.1 Mercedes driver this season.

And that means that Hamilton has to blitz qualifying, nail his start and stay out of trouble. He’d probably settle for nailing his start, given the struggles he’s had in the opening races of 2016.

What we do know after the Bahrain GP is that the Mercedes engine has more to give – or, at least, Merc want us to think that.

Team boss Toto Wolff said damage to Hamilton’s car had cost him a second a lap in Bahrain – yet he still came home third.

And Hamilton said of Rosberg’s engine management: ‘I guarantee you Nico was not pushing after about ten laps.’

That’s bad news for Ferrari. Talking of which…

Where’s there’s smoke, there’s ire

Ferrari need to get both cars home this weekend. Their promising early-season pace has come at a high price in terms of engine failures and they need to demonstrate that they can get both cars to the finish line – though even getting to the starting line will be an improvement for Vettel after his Bahrain race ended in a cloud of smoke on the installation lap.

But here’s the thing: Hamilton’s grid penalty hands Ferrari a golden opportunity to mix things up at the front, and they can’t afford not to push for a double-podium finish.

Given that qualifying has, thankfully, returned to normal, you can expect to see two Ferraris in the top three when the lights go out. We know they can ace the starts and so it will be fascinating to see how the Maranello crew manage the race to keep Hamilton behind them.

Did I say ‘keep Hamilton behind them’? What will really be fascinating is how little time it takes the Mercedes to power past those Ferraris.

Roll those rubber dice

The 2016 tyre rules have been a huge step forward in terms of entertainment and teams will have the same choice in China as they had in Bahrain – mediums, softs and supersofts.

Anyone near the front starting on supersofts could be in the pits within five laps, according to Mercedes technical director Paddy Lowe.

So we may see some interesting tyre strategies played out, as teams balance qualifying requirements with the need to have decent rubber on at the start of the race.

Remember, teams taking part in Q3 have to start the race on the tyres they used to set their fastest Q2 lap, so using the fast supersofts to get through Q2 could end up handicapping drivers in the race itself.

Confused? If anyone asks you what’s going on, just say that tyre strategy plays a huge part in the sport, and walk away from the conversation.

Rain, the Shanghai surprise

There could be a bit of wet weather over the weekend, which might well shake up qualifying on Saturday.

A damp Saturday would probably favour the likes of Red Bull, and Daniel Ricciardo may well spend Friday in full rain-dance mode.

Of course, wet qualifying will deny us some of the confusion over tyre selection mentioned above, but F1 is usually more gripping when it’s less grippy, so here’s hoping.

A bruised Bernie

After the teams forced F1 circus-master Bernie Ecclestone and FIA lame duck Jean Todt (pictured) to back down in the qualifying rules fiasco, Bernie may be a little quieter this weekend than of late.

But, once he’s licked his wounds, Ecclestone will be out for revenge.

Listen out for any snide remarks that may hint what his next scheme will involve.

And listen out also for any light that (love-him-or-hate-him etc etc) Eddie Jordan shines on this topic. Ecclestone is fond of tossing gossipy crumbs to Mr Jordan, safe in the knowledge that they’ll quickly be shared around the paddock. Eddie’s generous that way.

Lights out

And that’s it. Fingers crossed that Alonso is allowed to race – though another Vandoorne show wouldn’t go amiss – that Grosjean does the business again in the Haas, and that Verstappen and Sainz keep their Toro Rosso tensions turned up.

As Confucius (pictured) said: ‘Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance. Particularly when it comes to tyre selection.’