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Finding yet another way to bring international football into disrepute
ARE YOU FEELING SLEEPY?
England produced an extraordinarily creative performance in Tuesday’s meaningless friendlyNations League match against Denmark, finding yet another way to bring international football into disrepute. Showing the sort of leadership that is very much in vogue, Gareth Southgate’s side bored the holes off everyone in a very specific and limited way. With onlookers lulled to sleep, there was no one left to keep track of what England players did or did not get up to in their down time. And if The Fiver woke up this morning in a pool of vomit, who’s to say it wasn’t all our own fault?
Related: Experimental England fail to click in Nations League draw with Denmark
Cunningly, Southgate also used the match to shut up noisy lobbyists from the midlands by giving debuts to Conor Coady and Jack Grealish. The Aston Villa captain admitted coming on as a substitute was a special moment for him. “I was actually a bit emotional,” he sobbed. “Everyone dreams as a little kid of playing for England,” added the former Republic of Ireland U-17, U-18 and U-21 international.
Meanwhile back at Villa, Dean Smith announced on Wednesday that this season Grealish may get to play with a forward who can score actual goals. Villa have shattered their transfer record by part-funding Brentford’s new stadium to the tune of £28m in return for the services of Ollie Watkins. “Ollie has developed into one of the most sought-after strikers in the country,” gushed Smith of a player who, if he fulfils Villa’s hopes this season and/or retrains as a defensive midfielder, may yet force his way into Southgate’s Euro 2020 squad.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Growing up I was different. In the north west it was dance parties, garage and acid house. The rave scene up north was big but I always stuck to rock ‘n’ roll” – Wycombe’s Mustang-driving, band-fronting boss Gareth Ainsworth tells Donald McRae about the club’s miraculous promotion to the Championship, why he’ll never cut his hair and how he preferred guitar riffs to piano loops when he was a nipper.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
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FIVER LETTERS
“I’m not sure what ‘club DNA’ Manchester United are celebrating with that prisoner’s pyjamas third kit, but it sure looks like some unseemly material scooped up from a crime scene. Any footballing fashionista who fancies himself playing away in that clobber might find himself arrested for crimes against haute couture quicker than you can say ‘110 years of stripes’” – Justin Kavanagh.
“Based on Tuesday’s main story, should we now be referring to Newcastle as The Bernard Cribbins Experience?” – Derek McGee.
“Remember towards the end of Pep Guardiola’s tiki-taka time at Barcelona when he was so worried that the opposition was always just sitting deep against them that he started playing midfielders in central defence and kept adding more and more attacking players into the team? England, are like the opposite of that” – Noble Francis.
“In their budget of six cans of Tin daily I don’t expect The Fiver research team (Research team? – Fiver Ed) to do much digging for facts. Mr Bellerin raised enough cash to plant 60,000 trees in the Amazon ! Why the need to raise? It is loose change for him as a rubber tree seedling costs about $3 and at year six will stand about 10 metres tall when latex can be harvested and Mr Bellerin would have a nice return on his loose change” – Alexander Cameron.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Justin Kavanagh.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Ollie Watkins has completed his £28m move from Brentford to Aston Villa. “I cannot wait to wear the famous claret and blue in the Premier League,” he roared. “He’s perfect,” cooed a Villa suit, making him sound a little too much like a gooey newborn.
Manchester City Women are doing a Manchester City Men, adding Lyon and England left-back Alex Greenwood to Lyon and England right-back Lucy Bronze, who rejoined on Tuesday. Meanwhile, the USA! USA!! USA!!! international Tobin Heath has scrawled her name all over a contract at WSL rivals Manchester United.
Having made it to 101 international goals with Portugal, Cristiano Ronaldo has decided he wants to target the 109 goals scored by Ali Daei for Iran as the men’s all-time record. No amount of stomach crunches and macrobiotic diets are likely to allow him to match Christine Sinclair’s mark of 186 goals for Canada, mind.
Kevin De Bruyne and Beth England have scooped the PFA’s player of the year gongs.
Sheffield United and West Brom have swapped Callum Robinson and Oliver Burke, with the Republic O’Ireland international heading to the Hawthorns and the Scottish international heading to Bramall Lane.
And Harry Kane has offered naughty boys Phil Foden and Mason Greenwood an olive branch. “I texted them both,” the England captain Kane said. “They could have been in a lonely place. I didn’t want them to feel alone.”
STILL WANT MORE?
From a doping control officer to a stadium announcer, Paul MacInnes speaks to four people who have attended Premier League games during the Covid-19 fans shutout.
Symmetrical seasons, whistle-happy refs blowing up too early and Kerry Mucklowe’s statue at the County Ground in this week’s Knowledge.
Salford City are favourites and Bolton are looking to bounce back from two successive relegations. Ben Fisher previews the League Two season.
Barney Ronay tries to work out what Gareth Southgate was doing with that England midfield in Copenhagen, and diagnoses over-caution.
“Football without fans is not the same. I have struggled to get the rush,” writes actual Burnley captain and now Fiver colleague Ben Mee.
The Premier League previews continue to roll in. No Second Season Syndrome for Sheffield United, and Southampton set sights on the Big Vase.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO