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Premier League: Five things West Ham rebel Dimitri Payet has lost forever

Payet
Payet

WhatsApp bantz
The love affair between Dimitri Payet and West Ham is surely over – and not in a Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin “we will always remain close friends” way, but in a Brangelina “you cheated on me with a French actress and I hate you forever” way.

Despite the club’s insistence that they want to keep the unsettled 29-year-old in east London until the end of the season, it seems his Hammers team-mates disagree. Captain Mark Noble recently revealed he hasn’t spoken to the playmaker for “two or three weeks” (which is especially damning given that they played three Premier League matches together in that time), while fellow Hammers alpha male James Collins has reportedly told the assist king he is “not welcome” at a squad dinner being organised this week.

Millions of WhatsApp users could be affected (Rex)
Millions of WhatsApp users could be affected (Rex)

But the surest sign that Payet has burned his bridges is the news, revealed last night, that Payet has been removed from the squad’s Whatsapp group. Never again will Dimitri be able to enjoy tales of Andy Carroll’s nights out or try to decipher Angelo Ogbonna’s emojis. He has lost the dressing room.

Pedro Obiang’s respect
As anyone who has used Whatsapp will know, the only person who can remove someone from a conversation is the group admin. It was therefore shocking to learn that the player who ultimately pulled the plug on Payet’s access to unlimited squad banter was mild-mannered Spanish midfielder Pedro Obiang. The chain of events that led to Obiang – a bit-part player until this season – becoming admin of the Whatsapp group are shrouded in mystery. He only joined the club in the summer of 2015, which implies that the squad didn’t have a group chat going before that point, which would be a terrible indictment of their combined grasp of mobile technology. It appears Obiang is the unlikely figure who has brought Noble and Collins et al into the modern age, and then used his power to deliver a devastating digital snub to Payet.

Triple H’s trust
It is not just West Ham’s players that will never forgive Payet for refusing to play for the club. WWE wrestler Triple H has also voiced his displeasure with the Frenchman’s actions. The 47-year-old Sean Dyche lookalike, a die-hard Irons fan born and raised in the Hammers heartland of New Hampshire, USA, recently left a message for Payet that sounded a bit like a generous offer to become a wrestler but can be decoded more as a threat to beat him up.

“Look, Dimitri, if you wanna be the bad guy come and talk to me. WWE is the place to be the bad guy so if you want to do that, I can make you a bad guy. But if it was me I’d stick to what you’re doing.” Terrifying.

His song
“We’ve got Dimitri Payet” was a joyous refrain bellowed out even more frequently than the ubiquitous “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles” by Hammers fans last season, but it has swiftly been consigned to the football chant dustbin along with the likes of “Fernando Torres, Liverpool’s Number 9” and “Do-do-do, Nigel Reo-Coker”. The Payet song will never be heard again. Instead, West Ham supporters at the home match against Crystal Palace last weekend adapted the chant with some new – less flattering – lyrics. “**** off Payet, Dimitri Payet. We just don’t want you anymore. You’ve got some ****ing front, you money-grabbing ****. **** off Dimitri Payet.” So while he does still have a song in his honour, Payet probably preferred the old one.

Lots of money
Contrary to the accusation implied in the aforementioned potty-mouthed terrace ditty, Payet’s camp have insisted he is not a money-grabber, and in fact stands to take a serious financial hit from his seemingly inevitable move to former club Marseille.


It is claimed the Ligue 1 outfit, who despite being recently acquired by American businessman Frank McCourt do not appear to have anything like the financial muscle of their great rivals Paris Saint-Germain, are offering Payet a lower salary than the £125,000 he earns at London Stadium. It has also been reported that Payet has rejected the chance to earn £500,000 a week in the Chinese Super League and would rather play for (relative) peanuts in France. So is Payet just a decent family man who wants to move back to France to keep his wife happy, or is that just an exercise in brand damage limitation by his agent? If it’s the latter, it’s probably come too late to save him.

Follow/abuse @darlingkevin on Twitter

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