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Five things... Louis van Gaal can do to make Man Utd's season more exciting

1 Lose more games
Manchester United were jeered off the pitch for the umpteenth time this season following their latest bore fest against PSV Eindhoven. The scoreline - a 0-0 draw which puts the Red Devils’ Champions League hopes in jeopardy - was in many ways considered less damning than the manner of the performance. After all, Louis van Gaal has been criticised for his team’s dull playing style even when they have won matches - something they have done regularly. The only flickers of genuine excitement in United’s campaign have come in the games they lost. A 3-0 defeat to Arsenal was stunning, the home defeat to Swansea was perplexing, the Champions League loss at PSV was amusing. These are the moments we will remember from United’s season, but there have not been enough of them. Instead, LVG seems determined to grind out a succession of boring wins that have moved them above all their title rivals. He’ll probably go and win 1-0 in Wolfsburg now, the wet blanket.

2 Play 3-5-2
Van Gaal’s masterplan on arriving at Old Trafford 18 months ago was to employ the 3-5-2 formation that had become his hallmark as he steered Holland to the World Cup semi-finals. This allowed him to use hilarious back three combinations, such as Evans-Blackett-Jones or Keane-Evans-Vermijl, and gave us unforgettable moments such as MK Dons 4-0 Man Utd. But United’s fans were unimpressed by LVG’s progressive tactics, furiously chanting “4-4-2” at him. Eventually the manager relented, and United’s renewed solidity playing four at the back is one of the most tedious things about their team this season. LVG should be allowed to return to 3-5-2 to let the goals flow once again - who cares what end they flow at.

3 Sign Andy Carroll
Cristiano Ronaldo, Gareth Bale, Neymar and Thomas Muller are the signings Man Utd fans dream of, which is why the tabloids claim on a daily basis that those players might all move to Old Trafford… one day. But the earliest this will happen - if it ever does, which it probably won’t - is next summer, or the summer after that. But that’s no good; Van Gaal needs a man for now. Specifically, he needs an out-and-out, proven Premier League striker who can inject goals into his team and take the load off Wayne Rooney and Anthony Martial in attack, and crucially he needs someone who would actually sign for the club. And that man is Andy Carroll. Or Emmanuel Adebayor. Or both of them.

4 Bring back Paul Scholes
It worked for Alex Ferguson, who re-signed the United legend seven months after the player had retired, and they subsequently won another Premier League title together. And that was back when Scholes was quiet and boring. Now, the ginger midfield maestro is a serpent-tongued pundit whose assessments of United are equalled in viciousness only by the volleys he used to unleash into the top corner against Aston Villa. Just this week, Scholes accused Martial of “not looking bothered if he misses a chance” and criticised Bastian Schweinsteiger for “clapping backpasses to the goalkeeper”, while earlier this season he declared he “would not enjoy playing” in Van Gaal’s team due to its dullness. The return of Scholes would shake things up, on and off the pitch.

5 Embrace wrestling
Any United fan will tell you that, in terms of incisive attacking, the highlight of Wayne Rooney’s season so far was when he slapped wrestler Wade Barrett in the face during a WWE Raw event in Manchester. However, the scuffle did not impress former Red Devils captain Roy Keane, who demanded of Rooney, “Why is he getting involved in all that nonsense?” This outburst prompted Barrett to challenge Keane to a duel and claim that he would “batter” the Irishman. All of which is far more interesting than a 0-0 draw against PSV. If Van Gaal encourages more of his players to wrestle, and especially if he agrees to a no-holds-barred bout himself - possibly against Scholes or maybe Sam Allardyce, it will keep United’s fans entertained while allowing him to concentrate on playing boring football without distraction.

Follow @darlingkevin on Twitter

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