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The Fiver | Having to put up with Riyad Mahrez functioning in hologram mode
BREAKING NEWS
The FA is currently getting torched by evidence heard at the DCMS select committee into its Mark Sampson investigations. At the time of writing:
Chief suit Martin Glenn issues a full apology to Eni Aluko and Drew Spence after a reopened investigation into the Mark Sampson affair concludes the now-deposed England Women’s manager did make discriminatory remarks to two of his players. “In her final report [barrister] Katharine Newton concluded that on two separate occasions Mark Sampson made ill-judged attempts at humour,” says Glenn.
Newton writes in her report: “I have concluded that on two separate occasions MS has made ill-judged attempts at humour which, as a matter of law, were discriminatory on grounds of race within the meaning of the Equality Act 2010 … I consider it fundamentally important to emphasise that I have not concluded MS is a racist.”
Aluko says Glenn intimated to her that if she released a statement saying that the FA is not institutionally racist then she would receive the rest of her settlement money. She refused. “I felt that was bordering on blackmail,” she said.
Aluko reveals that England women’s goalkeeping coach Lee Kendall used to speak to her in a fake Caribbean accent: “I’m not [from the] Caribbean, I’m of African descent. It’s not necessarily offensive, but I found it ignorant.”
Get all the latest with Jacob Steinberg here.
EYE-OFFENDING BRINE FOR SUBS EVERYWHERE
Alas Po’ Craig Shakespeare, we didn’t really know him well. He seemed a cheery enough kind of bloke, the type who would smile and point Weird Uncle Fiver in the right direction if he emerged from a bush asking where the hospital was. But beyond that, nope. It’s hard to know what he was. Some Leicester City fans will tell you he was the real architect behind everything good the club has done. Others will say he was a great No2, another Peter Taylor who was at his best in the background playing percussion but not suited to up-front warbling and sweaty stage dives.
It was a curious sacking – and one that no one expected, least of all Shakespeare, who had spent Tuesday morning digesting his breakfast while watching a game between a Leicester Bits and Bobs XI and Nottingham Forest before being told not to bother coming in any day soon. The Fiver’s initial reaction was to see what everyone else’s reaction was. It turns out we were outraged. And especially with chief suit, Scrabble’s Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha. In fact, so righteously indignant were we on Shakespeare’s behalf that we looked at some facts, which are these: Nigel Pearson was told to do one after helping the club stay in the top flight. Outrage followed, then Claudio Ranieri was appointed and Leicester won the Premier League. He was was then sent scuttling down Filbert Way with Leicester fourth bottom. Outrage followed, then Leicester appointed Shakespeare as caretaker, finished 12th and got to Big Cup quarter-finals. We piped down a bit, what with Srivaddhanaprabha’s every decision having had a positive, galvanising effect on the club.
It may turn out this is his first duff call since buying 30,000 Jamie Vardy face masks to protest against a red card for a two-footed tackle. Perhaps Srivaddhanaprabha’s expectations are unrealistic but isn’t that just the same as every fan’s in a game full of chancers, dreamers and folk who put money on a team to win the league at odds of 5,000-1? Shakespeare certainly has the right to feel fresh and funky after being told to do one after eight games in which four were against Arsenal, Manchester United, Liverpool and Chelsea. He also lost Danny Drinkwater to Stamford Bridge and has had to put up with Riyad Mahrez functioning in hologram mode. And thanks to some top, top paperwork-bungling, he was denied the use of Adrien Silva until January. But at least he’ll always have that Shakespeare-Pulis half-and-half scarf.
With the club third bottom, Michael Appleton has been put in temporary charge, chiefly because he looks like he could punch a hole through a dressing room wall to get a reaction out of the players. And there’s no sign that Leicester have sounded anyone else out as a replacement yet, with everyone whoever existed, including Sam Allardyce, Sean Dyche, Timmy Mallett, Carlo Ancelotti, Granny Fiver and Romeo Challenger from Showaddywaddy being tipped for the King Power hot seat. Who knows, they may even give the Tinkerman a call. And you know who would make a great No2, don’t you?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Maybe social media is the way forward for transfers these days. We spoke to each other on LinkedIn, he got my number and we spoke from there. I’m happy to get it over the line” – Paul Hayes there, seemingly one of only two people left in the world who use LinkedIn, after joining Newport County via an online CV chat with manager Michael Flynn.
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FIVER LETTERS
“The Pard: a terrifying semi-mythological big cat with a lust for blood. Put this one in the bank until you know what to do with it” – Philip Jones.
“So, if moaning about Claudio Ranieri’s sacking was viewed as ‘knee-jerk’ when Craig Shakespeare had Leicester initially playing better, is Shakespeare’s sacking now another ‘knee-jerk’ reaction, or does it in fact prove that the initial ‘knee-jerk’ reaction was not in fact a ‘knee-jerk’ reaction? Is there jerking going on or not, that’s all I want to know” – Paul Dixon.
“How sad that yesterday’s Fiver, while featuring a rare mention of Shrewsbury Town, could not also find time to mention the fact that the Shrews – pre-season favourites for relegation – remain unbeaten in their first 13 league games of the season, making them – at the time of writing – more than a third as invincible as Arsène Wenger’s unbeatables, back before everyone who could defend and score left, and The Unpleasantness began. What’s even more remarkable is that you made no mention of the clear evidence of collusion between Cardiff City, the Shrews and Exeter City. At the start of play on Saturday, all three teams were top of their respective divisions. Exactly a year before, they had all been 23rd in their respective divisions. By the end of Saturday’s games, they were all second in their respective divisions. It seems likely to me that George Graham has been furtively roping the three clubs together to ensure they move up and down in unison, like his Arsenal defence. Of course, by the time you actually read this, both Shrewsbury and Exeter will have played another game each, and their league positions may have changed [yup, Shrews still unbeaten, now top, Exeter third – Fiver Ed]. Sorry about all this. I’ll do anything to avoid transcribing interviews” – Michael Hann, no longer of Big Paper/Website.
“Pointless (poyn-te-less). Adjective. Having no purpose; useless, having little or no sense, use, aim. Or, alternatively, this” – Noble Francis.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Philip Jones.
NOTIFICATIONS AND QUERIES
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BITS AND BOBS
T0ry MP Douglas Ross will miss Wednesday’s vote on universal credit in the Commons because he’ll be running the line at Barcelona v Olympiakos. Fellow Scottish Tory Andrew Bowie MP: “He’s doing a very good job.”
Drawing 1-1 at Real Madrid in Big Cup has got Mauricio Pochettino all giddy. “The result is less important,” he tooted. “The fact we competed makes me most happy.”
Kevin De Bruyne’s Mr 15% says his client’s four-year £115,000-a-week deal just doesn’t feel right any more, after that pass against Stoke. “His salary? I cannot say,” trousered Patrick De Koster. “But if you see what Neymar and Mbappé are being paid, you can picture.” The man himself? “Talks are coming. I don’t stress.”
Goal-happy Crystal Palace could have Christian Benteke back from knee-gah next month. “The rehab is going really well,” he cheered. “Hopefully I can be back in a few weeks.”
Northampton captain David Buchanan says a group of fans challenged him to a fight after their League One loss at home to Wimbledon. “A group of lads tried to offer me out. I said to them ‘grow up a little bit, we’re in this together’… I don’t want altercations with supporters.”
Dulwich Hamlet face bankruptcy after a court gave the club 14 days to find £150,000 to continue their fight to build a new stadium.
Oldham have named Clarence Seedorf Paul Scholes caretaker Richie Wellens as manager on a two-year deal. “Richie has shown great character,” tooted chairman Simon Corney. “It was an easy decision.”
Denmark’s Women’s World Cup qualifier against Sweden has been called off due to a pay and conditions dispute. “It is regrettable but also grotesque,” parped Danish FA suit Kim Hallberg. “We offered them better terms.”
And West Midlands police are investigating after a Coventry fan sauntered on for a full and frank chat with his side’s players during their home defeat by Forest Green. He was ushered off by captain Michael Doyle.
THE RECAP
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STILL WANT MORE?
“This is the time of social media and everyone has a chance to publicly say what they think, no matter how illogical or stupid it is. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, everyone is entitled to insult you.” Roma’s Edin Dzeko tells Sasa Ibrulj about fans, growing up in Bosnia during the war, and facing Chelsea in Big Cup.
Dan! Dan! Dan! The Knowledge on teams fielding three or more players with the same first name. Plus: has a European player ever won the Copa Libertadores?
Harry Kane failed to find the decisive finishing touch at the Bernabéu, but his impact still demonstrates how far he has come, says Sid Lowe.
Will Italy win the glamour tie? Will Norn Iron enjoy some luck? Martin Laurence on Europe’s World Cup play-offs: where the four games will be won and lost.
Leicester’s list of candidates has left the Mill cold. Allardyce, Coleman, Pardew, Dyche … why not Micky Adams?
Shout-out to the FA Cup first round.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
MUST HAVE BEEN THAT OLD ‘TWITTER HYSTERIA’
