Football transfer rumours: Arsenal and Manchester City to swap Sánchez and Agüero?

Traditionally, odd years are football-less wastelands, long summers of no tournaments to simultaneously keep us entertained and stave off the nothingness that represents the rest of our lives. Time was, we could all sit back and enjoy the company of our loved ones or read a book, or indeed indulge in some light-hearted transfer hoo-ha. This odd year, however, we’ve had the Confederations Cup, the European Under-21 Championship and a couple of other youth tournaments to distract us, and there’s still the Women’s Euros to come too. Thus, with some actual football to watch, the transfer meat-grinder has taken a little longer than usual to crank into life.

But the mincing is in full swing now though, as we first bring you news of our favourite thing-that-sounds-like-it-could-happen-but-never-actually-happens-but-actually-this-one-might-happen-because-it-does-make-a-certain-amount-of-sense, the player swap. And it’s a doozy: the Daily Star reports that Arsenal and Manchester City have put their heads together and come up with a terrific wheeze, namely to simply exchange relentless, goal-hungry, big-thighed strikers. Yes indeed: it’s Alexis Sánchez going one way, and Sergio Agüero going the other. What fun!

Aguero’s arrival would be the last straw for Olivier Giroud, however, who could replace the also Arsenal-bound Alexandre Lacazette at Lyon, though Napoli are also keen on the precisely coiffeurred forward. Arsenal are also duking it out with Barcelona like Giant Shark vs Mega Octopus (well, maybe Giant Shark vs Modest Portion of Squid) for Braga young shaver Pedro Neto: it’ll cost £17.6m to spring him, it says here.

Manchester United won’t be left out though. There’s fanciful talk that they yearn for Harry Kane, but like a greedy child reaching for a pastry, their hands have been slapped and they’ve been told to keep off, unless they have a spare £200m they fancy handing over. More realistic is talk that they could add some steel to their midfield by recruiting Roma tough guy Radja Nainggolan. Renato Sanches, nominally a Bayern player, is supposedly perfectly happy with shuffling around the Munich sidelines rather than doing one to Manchester, however.

Remember when Roman Abramovich arrived, Chelsea spent about £80m that summer and it seemed like loads and loads of money? Well, obviously that still is, but word on the street is they’re going to make that spending spree look like a trip to the pick n’ mix (and not even an expensive one at a cinema) this summer. Alex Sandro is on his way from Juventus, despite Liverpool wooing him in Blackpool Virgil van Dijk is heading to Stamford Bridge instead, Monaco midfielder Tiemoué Bakayoko has a spot reserved in Chelsea’s midfield plus Romelu Lukaku is on his way back too. That’s about £240m, all told. Woof. Oh, and they might chuck a few quid at Roma defender Kostas Manolas, so add another £35m to the pile. Woof woof woof. They will recoup some of that money by flogging Nathan Aké to Bournemouth for £20m, mind, and a little more by selling Nemanja Matić to whoever fancies him. Possibly, now you mention it, Manchester United.

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Liverpool aren’t done this summer either, despite announcing Salah with some prime social media content. They are said to be facing off with Tottenham for Max Meyer, the man who sounds like he might be a Bond villain but is in fact a Schalke playmaker whose contractual situation means he might be available for the relative knock-down price of about £20m. They’re also mad keen on RB Leipzig’s Naby Keïta, but word emerging from Germany is that he’ll cost them the thick end of £70m.

What else would you like today? Crystal Palace making a play for Kelechi Iheanacho? Juventus moving for Southampton right-back Cedric Soares? Everton making a £30m offer for Gylfi Sigurdsson? None of that? Well, best go watch some football instead, then.