Gossip: Man Utd 'plan Bale swoop next summer', Arsenal 'get proactive on player contracts', Coutinho 'could refuse to play for Liverpool'

Slow transfer gossip day? Deadline day withdrawal symptoms? Feeling restless, dispirited and mildly nauseous?

Worry not – we have just the remedy for this kind of ailment. Tried and tested over several years with millions of patients, this is the NHS and Premier League gold standard for your symptoms.

It’s a Sun story linking Manchester United with a big-money move for Gareth Bale! See, you’re feeling better already.

The tabloid reports – for approximately the 12,135th time – that the Red Devils are lining up the Real Madrid superstar as Jose Mourinho seeks a “world-class winger”.

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There is an extra twist, albeit quite a boring one, in that United will target the Welshman “next summer”. Which we know feels like a million years away, sorry. Mourinho did apparently tried to sign the Welshman this summer too, but Madrid refused to sell.

Next year will be different though, as Real coach Zinedine Zidane looks to develop homegrown youngsters such as Marco Asensio and a “huge offer for Bale will be considered”.

If you are feeling even more dispirited and nauseous after reading this, then don’t be alarmed because this is also quite normal. Have you thought about changes to your lifestyle? More fruit and vegetables, perhaps? Or cut down screen time and increase exercise. Maybe you could even play some football?

Juve target Iniesta

Arsenal have decided never to have a transfer window as horrible as the one they just had, and will cleverly attempt to start tying down all their players to long-term deals to avoid another Alexis/Ozil/Oxlade-Chamberlain situation.

The Telegraph reports that the Gunners have appointed a special man called Huss Fahmy to work on contracts, and he is set to be “proactive” in speaking to players whose deals expire in 2019 – including Aaron Ramsey, Petr Cech, Danny Welbeck, Nacho Monreal and Theo Walcott. The words close, door, after, horse and bolted spring to mind.

Another team with a cunning plan on expiring contracts is Juventus, who Tuttosport says will make an “audacious” triple swoop for three players whose deals with their respective clubs run out next summer: Barcelona’s Andres Iniesta, Liverpool’s Emre Can and Schalke’s Leon Goretzka. A bargain hunt that David Dickinson would be proud of. (Does he still present Bargain Hunt? Christ knows. In fact is he still alive?? Hope so – or this is all in very poor taste.)

Elsewhere, Philippe Coutinho could refuse to play for Liverpool in the Champions League to boost his chances of joining Barcelona in January (Sport), Man Utd apparently had no interest in signing Leicester’s Riyad Mahrez on deadline day despite various reports to the contrary (Leicester Mercury) and Everton winger Kevin Mirallas says he is “really sad” the Toffees blocked a proposed deadline day move to his former club Olympiakos (Mirror). They also rejected an approach from West Ham, but evidently Mirallas is not so bothered about that.

@darlingkevin