Hot football transfer gossip: United's 'three-day window' to sign Bale, Neymar move stalling and JT fears the shock of the new

It sounds as if Manchester United's pursuit of Gareth Bale in this transfer window will go down to the wire in such dramatic fashion that you could almost write a Hollywood comedy action thriller about it. The leading man would not be Bale himself, but Louis van Gaal (played by Michael Douglas) who currently needs a remarkable chain of events to take place to get his man.

These events, as explained in today's Sunday Mirror, involve Bale being booed with such ferocity in Real Madrid's first home match of the season next weekend that the Spanish giants decide to sell him, giving Van Gaal a three-day window to sign the Welshman before 1 September. That can be the title of the film: Three-Day Window.

The movie will, therefore, begin with Van Gaal (Douglas) rounding up an army of poverty-stricken United fans with soot on their faces and taking them on a "secret mission" to Madrid.

Backed by his loveable but clumsy right-hand man Ed Woodward, played by Steve Buscemi, LVG would travel to Madrid in disguise and they would all take their seats for the Galacticos' opening match against Real Betis.

[MORE GOSSIP: DAVID DE GEA'S RELATIONSHIP WITH LOUIS VAN GAAL 'IN TATTERS']

Then as soon as Bale, played of course by Wales' finest actor Sir Anthony Hopkins, touches the ball. LVG emits a huge "Boo!". And then Steve Buscemi joins in, followed by all the sooty-faced United fans, and pretty soon the whole stadium is giving Bale dog's abuse. And Buscemi and Douglas high-five.

But that's just the start because they still only have a Three-Day Window to sign Bale!

So, anyway, good luck with that United.

Another fantastical United transfer target still making headlines today is Neymar, who the Daily Star Sunday says would cost the Red Devils £137.8m to sign. Not only is this a tad on the pricey side, but the paper also admits that Barcelona have no intention of selling the Brazilian and that Neymar has no interest in leaving the club.

So at this stage things don't sound THAT promising for United. Unless Michael Douglas turns up at the Nou Camp and starts booing Neymar so much that he starts crying, or something.

United have been offered a different Brazilian forward, according to the Telegraph, which says United along with Chelsea were given the opportunity to sign Corinthians' Alexandre Pato, who used to be amazing but now isn't. This possibly explains claims made in the Metro that Tottenham are trying to buy him.

John Terry is scared, according to the Mail on Sunday, not of ghosts or of other people's husbands but of Raphael Varane, the latest hot young centre-back reportedly being lined up to replace JT at the heart of Chelsea's defence.

The Blues continue to be heavily linked with Paul Pogba, with the Sunday Times suggesting that Jose Mourinho will offer Ramires and Juan Cuadrado to Juventus "as bait" in his attempts to sign the £60m Frenchman.

The Mail on Sunday also claims that Victor Wanyama will ask to leave Southampton, simply because everyone else has, while West Brom manager Tony Pulis will try to persuade Jonny Evans to join him from Man Utd.

Everton will reportedly splash out £24m on Dynamo Kiev winger Andriy Yarmolenko and River Plate centre-back Ramiro Funes Mori, while Crystal Palace are the latest club predicted to make a move for QPR's definitely-going-somewhere Charlie Austin.