Hot Football Transfer Gossip: Man Utd wanted Muller ‘at all costs’

Stand back Superman, Ice Man, Spiderman, Batman and Robin too. Admittedly, opening a football transfer gossip column with the lyrics to the theme tune of 1980s’ TV sensation Supergran is not acceptable behaviour, but we’re just throwing around ideas for a new and exciting TV concept for the 21st century: Super Agent.

It stars Giovanni Branchini, an Italian gentleman who has risen above all the other agents to claim this prestigious title, bestowed upon him in today’s Daily Mail. He might not be able to beat Batman in a fight, but he’s guaranteed to wangle you a better salary than the Caped Crusader ever could. Guess that’s all it takes to be a superhero these days.

One of his clients, or at least someone whose transfer dealings he seems to know a lot about, is Bayern Munich’s Thomas Muller. Branchini says in the Mail, presumably while wearing some kind of Super Agent costume, that Manchester United wanted Muller “at all costs” this summer amid rumours of a £71m bid. Naturally, in his role as Super Agent, Branchini took care of business.

“I’ve spent days trying to explain that Bayern Munich would never let him leave – so in the end they changed their mind,” he revealed. So being a Super Agent in this instance involved repeatedly saying no to Ed Woodward. This might not sound like exciting material for the Super Agent TV show, but actually the image it conjures of Branchini spending time to comfort Man Utd’s desperate, sobbing chief executive shows his softer side. Super Agent is a multi-dimensional character, a shark with a heart of gold. A lot more relatable and realistic than Supergran, who used to cast magic spells on robbers. Ridiculous!

We’ll step away from this one now before it gets too weird (or weirder), and report on some complicated news for the many Arsenal fans who are a) desperate for a new striker and b) desperate for Arsene Wenger to leave. It’s revealed in the Mirror that striker Romelu Lukaku wants to play for Arsene Wenger, which creates a bit of a Catch 22 for the Gunners fans mentioned above.

In other news, Louis van Gaal and Tim Sherwood are going for a Turkish, with Manchester United linked with Bayer Leverkusen’s Hakan Calhanoglu and Aston Villa tracking Besikas winger Gokhan Tore, according to the Metro.

Meanwhile, United youngster Jesse Lingard could join Sheffield Wednesday on loan, Tottenham are allegedly interested in Lille’s Sofiane Boufal and Bolton are considering a swoop for free agent Shola Ameobi. Now there’s a player who could do with a Super Agent.

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