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Hot football transfer gossip rumours - Bale, Pedro, Pepe, Rose

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Even looking at this photo of Gareth Bale is a waste of time © Getty

Tuesday 4 August, 2015

The hottest football transfer gossip rumour of the day is that Gareth Bale will not be joining Manchester United, meaning all the words you’ve read about the Welshman going to Old Trafford this summer - including these ones - were a complete waste of your life that you will never get back. Sorry.

The Sun already has its excuses prepared, claiming Louis van Gaal has twice made £100m bids for Bale. On the first occasion, Real Madrid said no. And on the second occasion, Real Madrid said, erm, no. Guess it’s always worth double-checking.

The paper also claims United recently tried to sign Real defender Raphael Varane and striker Karim Benzema, to which the answers were - yeah, you’ve guessed it - no and no.

The Mirror continues the theme of LVG being determined to buy any Real Madrid player he can get his hands on, although they have him setting his sights considerably lower with 32-year-old Portuguese nutter Pepe.

The paper also seems convinced that United will sign Barcelona forward Pedro for £20m within 48 hours. Let’s hold them to that, shall we.

Onto the amusing transfer dealings of another north-west giant, Liverpool are naturally being linked with a promising young winger. Today it’s Adama Traore, the 19-year-old Barcelona starlet, who has “jetted in” to Merseyside to seal the deal, according to various news outlets.

The Reds are also on their knees praying bracing themselves for bids for Fabio Borini, Mario Balotelli and Jose Enrique, say the Telegraph. Sadly no offers are yet forthcoming, although Lazio are apparently interested in Super Mario, which sets up the tantalising prospect of a bonkers match-up with Ravel Morrison.

Chelsea have been linked with many left-backs this summer and the latest is Tottenham’s Danny Rose. The Blues have told Spurs to “name their price”, the Mirror have ridiculously claimed, presumably prompting Daniel Levy to say “100 million dollars” and bring his little finger to his lips.

The name Virgil van Dijk is one you have read so many times that it has stopped being a bit funny and has now become meaningless. The Dutch defender will leave Celtic though - because he’s quite good and they are Scottish - and his destination will be Southampton, say the Daily Express.

Meanwhile, Norwich are tempted by an unlikely-sounding £8.5m bid for Dieumerci Mbokani, Bournemouth will sign Max Gradel tomorrow and Man Utd will sell Jesse Lingard to Bristol City (presumably once they’ve tied up deals for Bale, Benzema, Varane, Pepe and Pedro).

@darlingkevin