The inside track on the European Super League negotiations

So, now we know. The establishment is considering a top secret move to a European Super League. The top clubs, and Liverpool, have been invited to consider a potential exit from the Premier League in the pursuit of greater riches. Instead of the Champions League, the clubs could focus all their attention on a longer, more involved league with the best players and teams from Europe included. AC Milan, Barcelona, Inter Milan, Real Madrid, PSG, some other French club, I dunno, and a few other sides who’d turn up to be smashed by three to six goals a time. In essence, then, it would be the most inspiring competition seen to man, and there would be enormous corporate sponsorship opportunities. WIth Adidas and Visa at odds with FIFA after the recent corruption scandal, there is the chance that those companies would refocus their advertising strategies towards this tournament. Greggs are also known to be another premier brand interested in creating synergies, with protein-enriched sports sausage rolls to be launched in tandem with the league, and they would become a mandatory half-time snack.

Luckily, Yahoo Sport had its finger to the ground and its ear on the pulse of the meeting, and has the exclusive, inside track on the machinations at the meeting. There have been rumours that we painted ourselves the exact shade of the wall paint to blend in against the background, but we cannot comment on speculation. Here is how the meeting played out, with the key inputs from the biggest teams, and as discussed before, Liverpool.

Manchester United

One of the pockets of resistance to the creation of the league is said to be Manchester United. Obviously many fans saw this as a sign that United, a club of tremendous tradition, and with the integrity inherent in any club that has Bobby Charlton, David Gill and Alex Ferguson involved in the club, that cannot be discounted. However, it has since become apparent that the move was opposed by Executive Vice Chairman Ed Woodward, who was unwilling or unable to negotiate the extra costs associated with the competition. The Glazers are known to have requested on 15% costs across most departments at the club, and they were believed to have literally foamed at the mouth at the prospect of the cost of new kits. One Glazer brother was overheard asking Woodward if the players could stitch on and make their own badges to reduce overheads. There was also some confusion over the Americans’ ability to fully appreciate that England and Europe are not interchangeable countries.

Arsenal

Arsenal were broadly in favour of the move, with only Arsene Wenger providing any real resistance. Wenger, who is due to retire in the next few seasons, has waning influence over long term strategy for the club. He made one, 15 minute speech decrying the effect that ever rising television income has on European football. He pointed out that youngsters are suffering as they fail to break through at the biggest clubs, as they prefer the safety of conservatively recruiting better, more experienced and older talent as wealth concentrates at the top. He spoke out about this inequality, before suggesting to his chief executive that the club raises ticket prices above the rate of inflation, again.

Liverpool and Manchester City

One of the most unsavoury moments came when representatives from Manchester City and Liverpool almost came to blows of the relative merits of the respective sides. Liverpool insisted that as the most wonderfully historic, and successful English club, ever, that they should be seeded first in any part of the knockout stages. When a Manchester City executive was heard snorting, Ian Ayre was said to counter with, ‘Our fans, fans of Liverpool Football Club, are the most knowledgeable fans of any football club, with a knowledge, understanding and dignity that does Liverpool Football Club proud compared to Manchester City Football Club. And anyway, what are those three stars on your badge for anyway, mother******?’

An unnamed representative of City was said to reply, ‘I’ll ***** up your ****, you ****, if you think you’re ****ing going to **** us around, then you *******s have another thing ****ing com-****-ing, ****** and *** and ****** **** **** **** ** [unintelligible threats].” At which point the two groups had to be pulled apart by Gordon Taylor and Richard Scudamore.

Any Other Business

The creation of any league may be complicated by any successful Brexit referendum. The exit from the European Union is not supported by most clubs, due to the ease of capital movement, and the ability to sign players from across the continent with relatively few restrictions on qualifications and administration. However, amongst some some more Eurosceptic elements behind the scenes, and amongst some fans who are sympathetic to the Leave campaign see the possibility of the Super League as a creeping version of ‘ever closer union’. One insider was heard to say, ‘I like my breakfast with bacon, not croissants. And more importantly I like my football matches decided by goals, not kilos.’