Which job should Jose Mourinho take next?

There are, more than daily, stories that Manchester United will be Jose Mourinho’s next club. From website to newspaper, there are new spins on the same tale. The players want and expect him. Mourinho expects and wants it. At board level, Ed Woodward and those others who might also be reluctant over his appointment, now know that there’s almost no way forward that doesn’t include dumping Louis van Gaal and finally bringing Mourinho to United. It feels like destiny.

However, nothing appears to be signed, and nothing is certain in football until everything is announced. Even then, something can be announced, and given football is football, then John Obi Mikel can sign for Manchester United and still end up playing for Chelsea a month or so later. That’s why betting on Mourinho to United - or somewhere else - is not yet suspended. Exacerbating this is the presence of Woodward, who manages to personify Tucker’s Law at every turn - if some **** can **** things up then that **** will pick the worst possible time to ****ing **** it up, because that ****s a ****.

Which is why the rumours of Mourinho being in contact with Paris Saint-Germain has put the willies up United fans. PSG are a better side, with more money, and they’re in a nicer city than anywhere in the United Kingdom. There are at least two or three trophies to be one at a canter, and scope for low-hanging fruit of improvement to someone mildly competent. As a result, we at Yahoo Sport have identified the likeliest places that Mourinho could end up at the start of the next season.

PSG boss

With Nicolas Sarkozy coming back into mainstream politics, and the disarray Francois Hollande finds himself in, it is thought that Mourinho would be more comfortable with a victory of France’s biggest right-leaning political party. There are similarities between PSG and Chelsea’s status, in his first tenure. Both sides are superficially glamorous but prone to be teased for their nouveau riche status. Both have a history of fascism and racism with their fans, and they are situated in the most boring part of their respective countries’ capitals. A simple transition, but not the one he is most attracted to, which is:

Manchester United boss

There would be a few serious tasks for Mourinho were he to take over at Old Trafford. He would have to deal with warring factions. He would have to assert his own authority in the shadow of the legacy of a towering leader, Alex Ferguson. He would have to stamp out dissent wherever he found it, and start by establishing a sympathetic media to get out his point of view.

It is believed that Mourinho would struggle to match the success of Ferguson at United. The amount of control and repression it would entail would be more than he ever enjoyed at Real Madrid and Chelsea, and despite his popularity at Inter Milan, there was an occasionally fractious tone to his stay. On the other hand, very little happened at United without Ferguson giving his blessing, or quickly reversing any situation he disagreed with. Despite that, he is expected to be appointed, and is the best available candidate for the job.

Russian President

Vladimir Putin is, according to many reports, grooming a new Prime Minister. However, with the Panama Papers, a crisis with the rouble, a heavy fall in oil prices and Russian living standards - while drug abuse and alcoholism increase - means that a nascent revolution that stumbled a couple of years ago might finally succeed. Putin is infamous for the authoritarian manner in which he has ruled Russia, and there would be difficulties for Mourinho were he to take the reins.

There would be a few serious tasks for Mourinho were he to take over at Old Trafford. He would have to deal with warring factions. He would have to assert his own authority in the shadow of the legacy of a towering leader, Alex Ferguson. He would have to stamp out dissent wherever he found it, and start by establishing a sympathetic media to get out his point of view.

There would be a few serious tasks for Mourinho were he to become the leader of Russia. He would have to deal with warring factions, as the FSB, the Kremlin power base and the army would all be trying to make a grab for power. He would have to assert his own authority over not just the legacy of one towering leader, Putin, but the unimpeachable reputation and progress under Joseph Stalin. He would have to stamp out dissent wherever he found it, and start by establishing a sympathetic media in thrall to the previous leader. Mourinho would be expected to find this task easier than taking over at United, partly because of his experience in dealing with oligarchs like Roman Abramovich. However, the biggest advantage would be that Ferguson is a far more intimidating, ruthless and dominant figure than Stalin and Putin could ever hope to be.

A football blogger

On the face of it, this is a job swap that might not automatically make sense, but think it through: Mourinho would have to deal with thousands of absolutely terrible people screaming abuse at him in the comments section, but this would be much the same as at a football ground. He’d have to be used to occasionally not being paid on time by some of the more scurrilous characters in the industry, which has certainly affected other managers, if not him. He’d also have to be prepared to slag off excellent footballers despite showing no real aptitude for the game when he was trying to break into professional football himself - something that he already managed. In fact, this is probably the joke that makes the most sense for him to try next. Sorry, United.