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Kicking the round thing past the guy dressed like the highlighter pen
ALL VILLA, NO THRILLER
Four points from safety and with only five games left to save themselves from relegation, Aston Villa could probably do without having to play in-form high-flyers Manchester United on Thursday night. Dean Smith’s side may be going into the game on the back of their best result since Project Restart – Burnley’s win over West Ham on Wednesday – but have taken only two points from the 15 available since the Fiver’s briefly successful STOP FOOTBALL experiment came to an end.
By contrast, Smith’s endearingly gnomic Norwegian opposite number at Old Trafford just hasn’t stopped masterminding victories since United’s reopening day draw against Lads, It’s Tottenham. With comparatively more winnable games against Crystal Palace, Everton, Arsenal and Taxpayers FC to come, Villa could be tempted to view this match as a bit of a free hit. Tonight may be the night for Villa’s (Fiver checks notes) talismanic midfielder Jack Grealish to be given free rein and put recent underwhelming performances behind him. Grealish may just audition for his summer move to Old Trafford by running amok, wreaking havoc and scoring three or four goals to help his team to an unlikely victory.
Either that, or he’ll gad about to little or no obvious effect while Bruno Fernandes, Paul Pogba, Anthony Martial, Mason Greenwood and Marcus Rashford bag the goals that consign the Villa to yet another morale-sapping defeat on what is turning into a very gruelling run-in. Goals and Villa’s chronic inability to score very many of them have been a major source of concern for Smith, who this week convened a meeting with his forwards to try to help them get their heads around the concept of kicking the round thing past the guy dressed like the highlighter pen and into the large rectangle behind him.
“Their mentality, I believe, is there,” Smith told reporters. “I sat down with the forwards yesterday speaking about not getting involved in the buildup as much and getting inside the six-yard box to get on the end of crosses, because we’ve put some very good balls into the box in three of the five games, certainly.” And to think some people insist on peddling the myth that football is complicated. In nerd parlance, Villa’s “expected goals” in recent games has been quite high – but any they score against United will very much fall into the “unexpected goals” category.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join us for more hot Premier League action on Thursday night! Scott Murray will be watching Everton 2-2 Southampton, Will Unwin is on board for Bournemouth 1-0 Tottenham and Rob Smyth will be your guide for Aston Villa 1-3 Manchester United.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I saw the other day [Mourinho] already started to have a go at Arsenal, that was pretty funny … but I didn’t think about it too much. I don’t think about Tottenham and I never did in fairness, so it won’t change” – digs at José Mourinho and Spurs in the same sentence? Thierry Henry is earning that statue.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly will be live and kicking imminently – you can listen over here. Don’t forget to give our Forgotten Stories pod a listen; this week, part one of our look back at Dundee United’s European glory days.
FIVER LETTERS
“Regarding the last line in Wednesday’s Fiver. Peter Crouch is going to be getting a lot of work, as I’m sure the other 1,056 readers will point out” – Jon Millard (and no others).
“Given the recent outrage involving b0ngo dolls in South Korea, I’m surprised there is not more controversy over the suggestive movements of those Japanese robotic quadrupeds ... or am I the only one who sees it?” – Matthew Richman [just you and Weird Uncle Fiver – Fiver Ed].
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Liverpool and Fulham are set for a tribunal after the Premier League side offered £750,000 compensation for Harvey Elliot – a shade over 10% of the £7m wedge Fulham are demanding.
After a long video lunch, assorted Premier League suits have failed to nail down transfer window plans, but they may keep the window ajar for an extra two weeks in October for deals with Football League clubs.
Uefa suits are set to allow Manchester City, Manchester United and Wolves to complete their Big Cup and Vase ties at home. The quarter-final draws for both tournaments, to be held at neutral venues, will take place on Friday.
Former Blackburn trickster and England one-cap wonder David Dunn is the new manager of Barrow, who are back in the Football League after 48 years away. You’re all thinking about that time he fell over, aren’t you? For shame.
Real Betis have bought big-name players but have massively underachieved this season. A perfect fit for former Taxpayers FC manager Manuel Pellegrini, 95, then. The Chilean will take over as manager next season on a three-year deal.
José Mourinho has accused English football’s suits of being out of touch after Eric Dier was slapped with a four-match ban for wading into the Tottenham crowd about 10 years ago. “It’s very, very difficult to lead something when you don’t have a clue,” Mourinho mithered in a quote the Fiver is copy-pasting for future reference.
England midfielder Lucy Staniforth has joined Manchester United after her Birmingham City contract expired. “I wanted to come here to win trophies and make history, and I’m just excited to get started,” Staniforth beamed. In further WSL transfer news, flamin’ Aussie keeper Mackenzie Arnold has joined Taxpayers FC.
Nigel Pearson, the Watford manager and dead ringer for a student union bouncer who had it in for The Fiver back in the day, has said he isn’t keeping tabs on the Hornets’ relegation rivals. “We just prepare for this game, try and win it,” said Pearson, while forensically inspecting the Fiver’s ID. “Being in the type of position we are in, it is about us trying to focus on ourselves.”
And Carlo Ancelotti has dusted down his copy of Fifa 15 and compiled a transfer list that includes James Rodríguez, Thiago Silva, Edinson Cavani and Adrien Rabiot.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ed Aarons writes about Musa Juwara’s incredible journey from arriving in Italy as an unaccompanied refugee to becoming a San Siro super-sub with Bologna.
Paul Gascoigne at Lazio and Ennio Morricone’s World Cup soundtrack feature in this week’s Classic YouTube.
It is 14 years to the day since Zinedine Zidane’s head met Marco Materazzi’s chest - Ian McCourt wrote about the historic moment back in 2014.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
