Making the game beautiful: Football’s songs of praise, despair, death and devotion

#11 THE CHANTS

Football’s cultural pull is arguably as much about the ritual as the game itself. The theatre, humour, camaraderie, joy and pain felt on and off the pitch. Soundtracking every match day waypoint are the songs, terrace anthems that heighten and define the experience allowing supporters to become that invaluable but invisible “12th man”. Every team has their own chants, some are very famous and many genuinely witty, but all seek to underline a club’s personality. Charting a course from the gobby hooligan speak of “You’re going home in a f*cking ambulance” to the more knowing gentrification of “What time’s your mini bus?”, here’s our Premier League club-by-club guide:

Arsenal

The art of a memorable football song is often more about the way players are shoehorned into an unlikely but winning celebration than the greatness of those namechecked. Take Olivier Giroud, hit-and-miss on the pitch he scores every week in the stands and perhaps elsewhere with that lavish hair and beard combo. This chant to the tune of The Stealers’ Stuck In The Middle With You even brings meaning to Lukas Podolski’s pointless Arsenal career.

Bournemouth

After a spectacular rise from the nether regions of British football, it seems only right that one of Bournemouth’s funniest chants should celebrate 2015’s Manager of the Decade at the Football League Awards: “Eddie had a dream / On minus 17 / We had no money so we signed players on loan / We play from the back / With pace in attack / He went to Burnley / And then he came back,” goes The legend of Sir Eddie Howe. If he can somehow wring a little value out of Jordan Ibe, that fake knighthood will be fully deserved.

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Brighton

Brighton’s promotion to the Premier League has not only elevated their status but highlighted the nasty side that clearly exists between fans. A new report reveals that Seagulls fans suffer anti-gay abuse against most teams, from a fairly tame “Does your boyfriend know you’re here” or “We can see you holding hands” to the inevitably unprintable. Of course, the best place to respond is on the pitch, where taking the lead has been known to inspire this witty retort: “One nil to the Nancy Boys / One nil to the Nancy Boys / One nil to the Nancy Boys / One nil to the Nancy Boys.”

Burnley

Originally an Irish drinking song, Burnley’s most famous anthem, The Wild Rover (No, Nay, Never), lends its name to a popular podcast about the club but is also famous on numerous other terraces, most notably despised rivals Blackburn. This has prompted a near 50-year feud between the clubs. Surely Sean Dyche could sort this out with one of his attack dog stares?

Chelsea

“Chelsea, wherever you may be / Keep your wife from John Terry,” seems like a sensible piece of advice that could be sung from either end of any ground. In fact, the former England captain, his mum, dad and brother, are the subject of multiple football songs but a more recent creation about Brazilian livewire Willian stands out for rhyming Abramovich with Stamford Bridge.

Crystal Palace

Many clubs claim to have a vociferous fanbase but Crystal Palace genuinely make enough noise to justify such status. Their reboot of Peggy March’s I Will Follow You drowns out most away fans on match day but their affinity to Glad All Over, originally recorded by The Dave Clark Five, is equally emphatic, as can be seen from this TV performance by the 1990 FA Cup finalists, which proves that Alan Pardew can sing AND dance.

Everton

Everton’s former US star Tim Howard will be remembered fondly at the club for many reasons, including the emotional letter he dedicated to fans upon leaving in 2016. A sufferer of Tourette’s, supporters had already made their feelings about the giant goalkeeper clear from the stands with this touching tribute: “Tim timminy / Tim timminy / Tim tim tirooo / We’ve got Tim Howard and he says f*ck you!”

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Huddersfield

Now scrapping among the big boys, Huddersfield regularly like to point out from the terraces that they’ve actually finished top of the English league three times, even if this was in a land that time forgot. But they also display commendable wit elsewhere with the Chaka Khan-inspired “Ain’t nobody like Kachunga / Makes me happy / Makes me feel this way,” or the impenetrably abstract “Da da da da da da Michael Hefele.”

Leicester

While the fairytale rise to fame really doesn’t deserve a Hollywood movie, Jamie Vardy (and his wife) are regularly serenaded from the terraces. But perhaps Leicester’s most vocal anthem, which propelled the team to 2016’s Premier League title, is based on the Slade hit Come On Feel The Noise: “Come on Leicester boys / Make some f*cking noise”. Sadly, a rejigged version at Manchester United of “Come on David Moyes / Play like Fergie’s boys” had quite the opposite impact for the beleaguered Scotsman.

Liverpool

Few chants at this weekend’s games will top the one delivered by Liverpool fans to the tune of Jackson Five’s Blame It On The Boogie after Djimi Traore scored an own goal against Burnley in 2005: “Don’t blame it on the Biscan / Don’t blame it on the Hamann / Don’t blame it on the Finnan / Blame it on Traore / He just can’t / He just can’t / He just can’t control his feet.” Of course, You’ll Never Walk Alone is perhaps football’s greatest terrace anthem from a club and city who have an indelible affinity with music.

Manchester United

Humour may not seem to be a crucial aspect of football to the outsider but that characteristic really comes to life in the stands. Man Utd and Liverpool have a famous rivalry and sometimes choose to be funny rather than downright offensive about each other when trading chants. “Your teeth are offside / Your teeth are offside / Luis Suarez, your teeth are offside,” being a case in point. However, these lines are continually crossed and blurred, as Romelu Lukaka has recently discovered.

Manchester City

Manchester City fans now seem so fully engorged by the flush of their own success that they can’t really be bothered to get up and do the Poznań. No matter, because Blue Moon casts an enduring romantic spell, even when sung by many men, while the brilliant Kolo and Yaya Toure song provided a more outré experience, rather like an African tribal chant to the Gods.

Newcastle

Fans of The Toon don’t hold back. Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink – “Fat Eddie Murphy, you’re just a fat Eddie Murphy” – and even Alan Shearer – “You should have stayed on the telly” – are among those to have been on the receiving end of their vitriol, the latter during a disastrous spell as manager, when he successfully guided them to relegation. While most people will struggle to remember any of Habib Beye’s 52 games at St James’ Park, few can forget his Happy Days-inspired chant: “Sunday, Monday, Habib Beye / Tuesday, Wednesday, Habib Beye / Thursday, Friday, Habib Beye / Saturday, Habib Beye / Rockin’ all week with you!”

Southampton

It may have been adopted by many other clubs but When The Saints Go Marching In is ultimately the sole preserve of Southampton, given their goto nickname. Fascinatingly, the song’s original lyrics are actually said to have been inspired by the apocalyptic Book of Revelation, where presumably the Whore of Babylon and the Beast are played by Harry Redknapp and Kevin Bond.

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Stoke

Clearly a strange choice for a football song, one wonders whether Ryan Shawcross might finally mistime a headed clearance if he suddenly realised a murder balled was ringing around the bet365 Stadium. It’s certainly occurred to politician Dafydd Iwan, who claims the lyrics to Delilah “trivialise the idea of murdering a woman”. Perhaps they should go for one of the Welshman’s tamer numbers instead?

Swansea

As long as you profess a deep love for Tammy Abraham and clear dislike hatred of Cardiff, you’re on fairly safe ground at The Liberty Stadium these days. The club’s first official chant is said to be 1913’s War Song: “Look out here comes a crowd of jolly fellows all looking gay / Bent on a visit to the football field to watch two teams play,” it begins, before continuing: “If we should travel by excursion / When our boys play away / Our antics create much diversion / For you’ll hear people say / “’Who are those noisy lot of bounders / Who command all the train?’” It’s a bit wordy, lads.

Tottenham

Never short of atmosphere or celebration, there was also a measure of consternation more recently about some of the noise emanating the terraces at White Hart Lane. Sol Campbell seemed as mystified by his Darth Vader-style repatriation to the club as he was a failure to become an elected man of the people, while the high-profile controversy surrounding “The Y Word” now appears to have subsided. Happily for the Spurs faithful, they’ve got Ledley King at the back. At least they did have for 321 glorious matches.

West Brom

With Tony Pulis at the helm, West Brom fans had little to cheer, except when he finally got fired. But throughout this latest dark passage in the Black Country, supporters have displayed enviable humour, joining in with Chelsea’s reasonable assessment of “Tony Pulis / Your football is sh*t” ahead of his sacking, having already claimed 2016’s chant of the season with this comic passage in their 4-0 pasting at home to Manchester City.

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West Ham

While I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles is West Ham’s official anthem, fans have shown enviable wit with many other little ditties. “We’ve got Di Canio / You’ve got our stereos,” they chanted at Liverpool, while former player Rio Ferdinand’s 2003 drug ban resulted in the following taunt: “His name is Rio and he watches from the stand.” But nothing could taint the eye-watering remake of That’s Amore for former striker Bobby Zamora, except perhaps an ill-fated spell at Fulham, when the lines were rudely rejigged to: “When you’re sat in Row Z and the ball hits your head / That’s Zamora.”

Watford

“Graham Taylor’s having a party / Bring your vodka and Bacardi,” sang the Watford fans about their former boss, a true club legend who passed away in 2017. But it’s not all drunken hilarity and turnips at Vicarage Road, where, despite their actual distance in league terms, Watford remain fiercely hostile to *neighbours* Luton: “He’s only a poor little hatter / His face is all tattered and torn / He made me feel sick / So I hit him with a brick / And now he don’t sing anymore.” One for the next greatest hits, Sir Elton?

NEXT WEEK: THE IMPROBABLE