Making the game beautiful: When Mourinho, Ronaldo, Sir Alex and stray dogs attack

#13 THE INTERVIEWS

There are inevitable consequences to the nation’s utter obsession with football. So all-encompassing and intrusive are the media’s x-ray eyes that players have been trained to cover their mouths when talking tactics. The post-match interview has become a dance of neutrality, whereby saying little or being boring is often the default setting. But sometimes the script gets torn up and an unexpected passage of hilarity or spontaneity is caught on camera. Let’s take a look at the different interview styles and scenarios that occasionally make these situations as entertaining as the actual matches.

READ MORE: Sanchez swap deal draws close

READ MORE: Inter express interest in Sturridge

READ MORE: Man United open De Gea contract talks

The diplomat

The manager should always remain staunchly loyal to his players and never undermine their skills or disrespect their loyalty. Some gaffers chose to deflect attention onto themselves or the officials. Others like to blame epic injury lists or leaves on the line. However, when the boot is on the other foot, they strike down with furious vengeance and great comic timing, as Diego Costa discovered in pre-season 2017, when he refused to return to Chelsea and told reporters he had been treated like “a criminal” by manager Antonio Conte.

The leader

Club captains are also expected to represent the club and its proud traditions at all costs. Paying absolute respect to the opposition while emphasising the progress the club has made as it proceeds to break new ground and move boldly forward as one. Or, in the case of Stephen Gerrard, trying desperately not to fall over (again) while being questioned and hoping, more than anything else, that his slapstick antics weren’t broadcast to millions “on the telly.”

The stupid question

This is the point where those in front of the camera have a chance to adopt a more combative approach. Jose Mourinho is a master of this technique and will adopt either a rueful pause or faraway gaze as he digests a poorly composed question before embarking on an official *storms out of interview* exit. But perhaps the true aficionado was Sir Alex Ferguson, as can be seen from a clip after 2011’s Champions League final, when he disembowelled a foolish reporter that seemed to have landed a spot of work experience covering the biggest match in club football.

The lost in translation

With so many continental managers and players now plying their trade in English football, it’s not uncommon for particular phrases to prompt confusion. Managers like Mourinho will often seek clarification from a journalist before confirming the question’s inanity and huffing off. However, this is not a situation solely reserved for non-English speakers, as former Manchester United captain Rio Ferdinand demonstrated when confusing leadership with a structure of wood, marble or stone found above and around a fireplace.

The language barrier

Understanding a new language can be genuinely baffling. In interview situations, this might prompt assistance from more senior team members, as can be seen in a clip of Cesc Fabregas, aged 12, at Arsenal. Alternatively, in Joey Barton’s case, it may become necessary for a player to prove beyond any doubt that they’re capable of acting like a self-entitled prima donna both in their own language and that of the host nation. Sadly for Joey, his short-lived stint at Marseille will be remembered more for his convincing impersonation of an extra from Allo Allo than his unconvincing impersonation of a top footballer.

The silent treatment

Here’s Jose again insisting he has “nothing to say” after Chelsea’s 3-1 defeat against Liverpool in 2015, as his predictably doomed second spell in command crumbled. But even in silence, he takes on the presence of a man still shouting into a black hole at multiple alleged wrongs via simmering head nods, glowering exacerbation and intense, deep fury communicated directly into the soul of the flummoxed reporter. How do you respond to this harrowing vow of silence? YouTube user Sebastian Cucciardi interjects sagely: “I was going to post a comment but I have nothing to say.”

The stare

Speaking of harrowing, witness Roy Keane teetering on a razor’s edge between stalking menace and behind the Sir Bobby Robson Stand with a length of wood. This is a man who somewhat conveniently grew a beard so dramatic it can only have been an elaborate disguise to cover up multiple atrocities. Make no mistake, he will kill again and he’ll probably be joined on this murderous spree by Pep Guardiola should he ever encounter the BBC’s Damien Johnson again on a cold, rainy and very dark night in Stoke.

The revenge

The media can be an intense irritant. Particularly when you are Ronaldo, the most significant athlete the world in his mind has ever seen. So don’t badger CR7 when he’s taking a romantic stroll in his tracksuit by a lake unless you are prepared to hotfoot it down to Maplin for a new microphone. As well as Ronaldo, it’s well known within the industry that you shouldn’t work with children or animals, who have a habit of enacting revenge if forced to give an impromptu explanation of their inconsistent performance.

The Harry

So media-friendly he could recite an entire catalogue of techniques and soundbites out the window of his Vauxhall Chevette next time he passed a stadium, Harry Redknapp’s managerial career has been a TV director’s dream. Never one to tone down an opinion when a stream of self-serving drivel is available, he celebrated qualifying for the Champions League not by downing a bottle of champagne but by being water-boarded by his own players. He also refuses to be typecast, dismissing allegations of impersonating a wheeler-dealer in the best Cockney accent you’re likely to hear this side of Romford Market.

The intoxicated

Professional joker both on and off the pitch, David Luiz has reportedly been picking up work as a children’s entertainer while sidelined from the Chelsea side for crimes against defending. Convincingly daft in everything he does, Luiz’s on-camera appearances at the club have showcased a love for silent comedy that so tickled Fernando Torres while bemusing the more professional and forthright Frank Lampard. However, adding alcohol to the mix after winning the 2012 Champions League allowed the Brazilian to deliver a career-defining performance topped only once by his display in the 1-7 defeat to Germany at the 2014 World Cup.

NEXT WEEK: THE FILMS