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Manchester United prove how not to work in a transfer window

On the pitch, Manchester United are dreadful, and worse than that, they are boring. The match against Swansea City summed up much of Louis van Gaal’s time in charge. They started well enough, and even took the lead, stretching the opposition and creating chances. Then they decided that the best course of action was to shut up shop, play seven million passes without interruption, and wait for the final whistle. The problem was that the opposition was not willing to let such a thing happen, and decided that as well as occasionally tackling United, they would try to score too. They did, twice.

United couldn’t come back from that, because their lack of creativity and pace was startling. Memphis gets a pass on making the wrong decision, because he’s yet to establish himself in a new league, but he still holds the side back regardless. Playing two defensive midfielders means it is up to four of the 11 players to go about doing the most important thing on the pitch to win a game - score a goal. Juan Mata is United’s most reliable goalscorer, but is too slow and meek to inspire his side in other ways. Wayne Rooney is playing the worst football of his career, despite setting the bar unacceptably low for that feat last season.

They fell victim to Swansea because as well as being unable to score enough, the defence is not up to the required standard. Sergio Romero let in the winner by failing to perform a basic save, and spent much of the match trying to kick the ball in the most clownish manner possible. In central defence, Daley Blind was, as expected, found out as lacking for speed and physical presence.

On the pitch, then, it has been dreadful and boring. But off it, oh no! Hey, hey, hallo! It has been dreadful and hilarious. Manchester United have shot themselves in the foot, shot themselves in the other foot, then spent weeks shooting the remnants of their feet around the ground, hobbling on their stumps. From the moment they completed their fourth signing it has been an impressive effort on their part to have got so many things so wrong, so often, so conspicuously.

There was the pursuit of Sergio Ramos, where Van Gaal was obviously being briefed by someone, because he told senior players he would be coming. There was the Pedro farce, where, again, Van Gaal was obviously being briefed, because he more or less told the press he was coming. Both of these occasions ended in neither player arriving because of the startling incompetence of the vice chairman, Ed Woodward. It wouldn’t have been so bad if United hadn’t plainly been telling everyone just how great they were at transfers.

But that was just the warm up.

Laugh! As Woodward fires off bids to players across the continent. Gareth Bale, £100 million! Thomas Muller, £70 million! Ronaldo, £60 million! Neymar - because why not? - £150 million! Bid after bid, notification after notification of interest, all without knowing whether the player actually wanted to come or not. Ed Woodward is a jolly optimistic man, but he plainly doesn’t understand how transfers actually work. If you want to buy players, you have to be sure that not only does the club want to sell, but the player wants to join.

Chortle! As Manchester United traipse to Monte Carlo to realise that everything really is more expensive when you take a Monegasque trip. You can find that a promising French teenager, who has scored about 10 goals, won’t just cost you £25 million anymore. It won’t even cost £36 million. No, in Monaco, such a player costs you 60 million euros, plus another 20 million euros. Smile for hours! As you note that it’s about twice as much as Pedro cost, and United refused to pay.

Cry with mirth! As United wave goodbye to half their side without eyeing up replacements. Robin van Persie and Radamel Falcao, two senior strikers, depart without replacement. Javier Hernandez comes back from a year in Spain, falls over, and is sent away for good, to Leverkusen. Adnan Januzaj plays three games, falls over a lot, and is sent away for a year, to Dortmund. James Wilson, promising teenager, gets to watch Marouane Fellaini gamble about, and is given a chance to have fun with Manchester United rejects Anders Lindegaard, Darren Fletcher and Jonny Evans, all culled and sent to the West Bromwich glue factory.

Struggle to breathe, doubled over, howling with amusement! As their £60 million signing Angel Di Maria throws a tantrum two months into his United career - having made it obvious he’s only there as a last resort - and then pulls off the best past of the season a few minutes into his Paris Saint-Germain debut.

Watch in disbelief! As United spend the best part of the Di Maria money on Anthony Martial, a 19-year-old Frenchman whose fee caused the French press to explode with disbelief.

Collapse to the floor, beating the ground with your fists, and pass out from oxygen-deprivation after 10 continuous minutes of hysterical howling! As Manchester United and Real Madrid cannot work together to fill in paperwork on time, for a move which has been on the cards for six months, and leaves United with a goalkeeper alienated by Van Gaal, who will be heartbroken to stay, and whose popular standing in the squad will drag morale at United down yet further.

Then remember! Victor Valdes is still there, tapping his fingers. There is no central defender. There is nobody to take control of a game in attack, and your new goalkeeper was forced out of Real Madrid, which didn’t exactly end well last time. To paraphrase, Manchester United’s mistakes were first carried out as farce in 2014, and have been repeated as an even bigger, funnier, dafter and more entertaining farce in 2015. Can 2016 exceed expectations?