Have Manchester United smashed it with two ‘perfect’ players or been struck a double blow?

·5-min read
Bruno Fernandes and Donny van de Beek playing for Manchester United Credit: PA Images
Bruno Fernandes and Donny van de Beek playing for Manchester United Credit: PA Images

How things are going for Manchester United depends on whether you are selling papers in Liverpool or trying to get clicks from United fans.

But first…


There’s barely any football in the actual newspapers (something called ‘golf’ is on the back page of The Sun), but the online wheels must keep turning so what’s the biggest story in football on Monday morning according to The Sun website?

‘PLEASED TO SEE US, JACK? Jack Grealish hides can of lager in trunks as footie ace & pals party with bikini clad beauties at boozy pool party’

Presumably we are supposed to think that a can of lager in swimming shorts looks like an erect penis. This is a gag slightly spoiled by said picture of a can of lager in swimming shorts not looking like an erect penis.

But still, why let that small detail get in the way of a ‘story’ which can basically be boiled down to ‘man goes on holiday and drinks rather a lot’ which, with apologies to Disney, is a tale as old as time.

But we particularly like the quotes from an ‘onlooker’, who told The Sun:

“Jack’s lads’ break continued with another day of fun in the sun.

“He had a blast with his pals at the pool party and they were dancing and giving each other piggybacks in the pool. The star took a dip and was swaying to the DJ tracks and rock and pop hits.”

Two paragraphs in and we already have about six words or phrases that no ‘onlooker’ would ever say. ‘The star took a dip?’ Seriously, if you are going to have an imaginary onlooker, at least make him/her sound like an actual human being.

“He has been enjoying a well-earned breather after an arduous Prem campaign, but seemed tired and emotional as he shuffled through the hotel.”

Yep. Definitely a real ‘onlooker’.


Half Rice, half chips
And the story with second billing on The Sun‘s football homepage?

‘DECS ARE LOADED England star Declan Rice heads to Las Vegas to go clubbing and proves huge hit as he joins Jack Grealish in Sin City’

We are told that Rice ‘proved a hit with a group of stunning women who have been buzzing around the lads’. But then…

‘Rice, who is devoted to girlfriend of six years Lauren Fryer, was spotted deep in conversation with one gorgeous brunette who was then led on to their luxury party bus after a night at the Marquee club.

‘An onlooker said: “Declan looked like he was in heaven but behaved like a gentleman.”‘

You mean he didn’t just go ahead and f*** her in the hotel lobby? It’s like the 1950s all over again.

Same onlooker? Just a man/woman idly looking on as all the footballers enjoy their holidays in Las Vegas before ringing The Sun to speak in cliches?


Arnold Palmer
Over at the Daily Mirror, they are sticking with the football on their back page with a claim that ‘MAN UTD ARE HIT BY DOUBLE BLOW’, which is a classic headline for the biggest-selling tabloid in Liverpool.

Darren Lewis – himself a Liverpool fan – writes that ‘MANCHESTER UNITED have been left red-faced in the transfer market and the boardroom’.

It sounds an awful lot like Lewis has been asked to create a negative Manchester United back page against his better judgement. The clue? The ‘comment’ piece he pens on the inside pages in which he writes that the footage of chief executive Richard Arnold ‘is probably better PR for the club than any of the sanitised delusion from Ed Woodward ever was’.

Does that sound like Manchester United have been ‘left red-faced’? Or did the Mirror just want to roll out this admittedly excellent headline?

We await the views of an onlooker.


Van de Bruno
It’s not all doom and gloom for Manchester United though, with Jack Otway providing his usual spin on the Express website:

‘Man Utd have already signed two perfect players for Frenkie de Jong ahead of expected deal’

Now isn’t that truly excellent news? And there we were thinking that they needed some kind of overhaul this summer.

‘In Bruno Fernandes and Donny van de Beek, the Red Devils have already signed two players in recent years who can be perfect alongside the midfielder.’

But not perfect alongside each other, as the last two years have demonstrated. Is that not important? It seems not…

‘If he does move to United, it’s possible that De Jong will go straight into the team. With Pogba and Matic gone, there’s certainly a hole that needs filling.’

Yes, we would say it’s ‘possible’ that a £60m midfielder signed from Barcelona with 44 Dutch caps at the age of 25 will go straight into a struggling Manchester United team.

And it’s also a possibility that he’ll be deployed alongside Van de Beek, who he played with at Ajax, and Fernandes.’

Hmmm. We would say that this is rather less possible, what with Van de Beek and Fernandes starting just six games together over the last two seasons, what with them basically wanting to play the same position.

Still, isn’t it brilliant that Manchester United have already signed the two perfect players for Frenkie De Jong? Maybe they’re not a sh*tshow after all.


Echo and the funny men
Over at the Liverpool Echo, there is some much-needed clarity as ‘Mohamed Salah situation explained as Liverpool prepare to open contract talks with duo’.

Handily, the propaganda machine is here to tell you that reports that Liverpool ‘were growing resigned to the prospect of losing the Egypt international on a free transfer in 2023’ are wide of the mark because actually ‘the ECHO understands the winger’s contract situation remains unchanged with club insiders insisting they have no expectation regarding Salah’s future one way or the other as he enters the final months of his current deal’.

Colour us utterly astonished that the club – when asked whether they have given up on Mo Salah signing a new contract – said that actually, nothing has changed.

Thank f*** for that detailed and surprising explanation.

The article Have Manchester United smashed it with two ‘perfect’ players or been struck a double blow? appeared first on Football365.com.

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