May I have a word about… why there’s no room for doubt in politics today

I am delighted that, in the froth and blether surrounding the intelligence and security committee’s report on Russian interference in Britain’s electoral processes, the prime minister and the minister of state for security at the Home Office spoke as one on the same day last week (such a relief after all the ministerial confusion about mask wearing). Let us begin with Boris Johnson responding to Keir Starmer at PMQs: “Let us be in no doubt about what this is all about. It is about pressure from the Islingtonian Remainers who have seized on this report to try and give the impression that Russian interference was… responsible for Brexit.”

Next up, James Brokenshire. In response to a question from Labour in the Commons, he said the UK would consider strengthening the Official Secrets Act and tightening rules on investment visas. “Let there be no doubt, we are unafraid to act where necessary to protect the UK and our allies.” Right, I hope you’ve got the importance of this – there is no place for doubting Thomases in the body politic.

Actually, I think there are many reasons to be questioning, not least the notion that foreign agents would need to sign a register as to their occupation. It does rather seem to undercut the notion of espionage, but perhaps I’m missing something in the small print. No doubt Dominic Raab will put me right on this one.

And so, as the phoney football season drags to a wearying close (well, for us Portsmouth supporters anyway), I offer salutations to Sam Saunders, the Brentford B assistant coach. Of Saïd Benrahma and his speciality of sliding the ball through the legs of bewitched defenders, he said: “He could nutmeg a mermaid.” My hope for when real football returns is that we hear fewer whinges from Premier League managers and much more from that veritable wordsmith of the Championship. Good luck in the play-offs, Sam.

•Jonathan Bouquet is an Observer columnist