I’m really, really worried about your team.
The rankings (records through Wednesday’s games):
1. Houston Astros (31-16; Previous: 3): Three years since Sports Illustrated said they’d win in ’17, and now everything feels a little stale.
2. Washington Nationals (28-17; Previous: 2): Teddy Roosevelt’s head is getting waaay too big.
3. New York Yankees (27-17; Previous: 1): Before being seated in The Judge’s Chambers, fans must wait in Jonathan Holder’s cell.
4. Colorado Rockies (31-17; Previous: 5): They don’t know what a banquet beer is either.
5. Los Angeles Dodgers (27-20; Previous: 6): Having a hard time remembering whose turn it is for the 10-day DL. Is it alphabetical or what?
6. Arizona Diamondbacks (29-19; Previous: 10): Kicking themselves for not drafting current Yankees’ outfielder in ’13, could’ve had Judge and Drury.
7. Baltimore Orioles (25-20; Previous: 4): If you’re around the team for more than three or four years that whole “Got your nose” thing from Showalter gets tedious.
8. Milwaukee Brewers (25-21; Previous: 17): Thames now serving blood and urine in Big Gulp sizes.
9. Texas Rangers (24-23; Previous: 20): Carlos Gomez celebrates cycle by buying it a new basket and bell.
10. Cleveland Indians (24-21; Previous: 8): Team field trip to Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, now everybody’s calling their bats “axes.” A little annoying.
11. Minnesota Twins (25-18; Previous: 15): They can see your skepticism; it’s written all over your power rankings.
12. Chicago Cubs (24-21; Previous: 9): New T-shirt, demanding “Embrace the Suck,” taken as a compliment by guy who vacuums clubhouse.
13. St. Louis Cardinals (23-20; Previous: 11): New dietary supplements arrived: The Cardinal Whey.
14. Boston Red Sox (24-21; Previous: 7): Ortiz keeps calling about his cleaning deposit.
15. Tampa Bay Rays (24-25; Previous: 18): Every time manager does a set in weight room he stands, flexes and bellows, “I am the Cash machine.”
16. Detroit Tigers (22-23; Previous: 16): While bullpen one Wilson short of full can, still open outfield door with that cool pssst-vrrak sound.
17. Los Angeles Angels (25-24; Previous: 22): Trout confused over whether he has to carry one at a time or all 24 at once.
18. Chicago White Sox (20-25; Previous: 14): As trade deadline approaches, Robertson and Frazier are trying to look as cute as possible in the shop window.
19. Cincinnati Reds (22-24; Previous: 12): Rotation is like one of those small-guy basketball leagues – ERAs 6 and under, you’re in.
20. Pittsburgh Pirates (21-26; Previous: 23): Club explains to rookies it’s not The Steal City so to watch their leads.
21. San Francisco Giants (20-28; Previous: 27): During card games rookie infielder keeps shouting, “I got Arroyo flush!”
22. Atlanta Braves (20-24; Previous: 29): New ballpark, and Snitker keeps forgetting which switches turn on which lights.
23. Oakland Athletics (21-25; Previous: 24): Frankly sometimes the white shoes feel a little too dressy.
24. Toronto Blue Jays (21-26; Previous: 28): Bautista laundry flips never land in hamper.
25. New York Mets (19-25; Previous: 13): Seriously, Harvey’s only going to get a few more chances. Like, 40 tops. Maybe 50.
26. Seattle Mariners (20-27; Previous: 19): Not to worry, nothing a few more trades can’t fix.
27. Kansas City Royals (19-27; Previous: 30): Can’t believe they didn’t think of that whole ribs-on-a-burger thing.
28. Philadelphia Phillies (15-29; Previous: 25): Phanatic keeps asking guys to “Catch my knuckler,” which is just a lobbed throw and has all kinds of spin.
29. Miami Marlins (16-29; Previous: 21): On day of sale, players invited to bring along anything in their garages they don’t want.
30. San Diego Padres (17-31; Previous: 26): Rule 5 guys are really vague on Rules 1 through 4.