The pain of being a lifelong Roger Federer fan

“How can I be 30 years old and still having to watch Roger Federer lose to Rafael Nadal at the French Open?” That was the question I was asking myself in the prelapsarian world of June 2019, as the two men faced off once more on Parisian clay.

To follow an athlete or team to the point of obsession, as I have done with Federer for the last two decades, is to invest a large chunk of one’s time, money and ultimately happiness in their success.

I pose the above question only to demonstrate that, even when supporting one of the most successful players in the history of tennis, I am no stranger to defeat. Shanghai 2005, Rome 2006, Melbourne 2009 — each activates a unique twinge in my heart, yet after each the muscle repaired.

Not so after Wimbledon 2019. At the age of 37, Federer stood at a baseline bereft of grass serving with two match points. Championship points. He bounced the ball, looked up and then… fade to black like the Sopranos finale.

I have no idea what happened next. Trauma does funny things to the memory. I am told he got broken, lost the match in a tie-breaker and then a few months later a novel coronavirus brought the world to a standstill.

Pain is, from an evolutionary perspective, a useful tool. It implies a danger to our wellbeing, even to life. But it can also rewire you.

Wimbledon is back and so is Federer. A month short of his fortieth birthday, recovering from multiple knee surgeries and unsure of what his body is still capable of bearing, you need not whisper it because he already knows — each appearance could be his last.

Federer ranks amongst the favourites, though largely for sentimental reasons. Even those who dance above the grass come to wither on the vine.

I’ll be cheering him on, of course. I know of nothing else. I’ll dutifully read the match reports and listen to the podcasts. But I won’t be watching. That 2019 final pushed my heart past its elastic limit, from which it can never go back again.

Who are you rooting for at Wimbledon this year? Let us know in the comments below.

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