With the Merseyside derby the first game of the Premier League weekend, we thought we’d predict the scoreline with a red v blue competition of our own.
Seven contests, all between red things and blue things, one winner – let’s go.
1. Slush Puppies
Score: Red 0-0 Blue
No clear winner here in the first of our red v blue bouts, the Slush Puppie derby – although Slush Puppie himself clearly has his favourite, sporting a blue t-shirt and hat. Partisan Puppie they should call him…
2. Strawberry laces v dolphins
Score: Red 1-0 Blue
Strawberry laces are the Champions League winners of the sweet world – dolphins are ok, but EFL Cup at best. Red takes the lead with a header at the back post.
3. Lightning McQueen v Dory
Score: Red 1-1 Blue
— Disney•Pixar (@DisneyPixar) March 16, 2017
Cars is a thoroughly underrated film (the first one, anyway) and Lightning McQueen a fine protagonist, but neither hold a candle to Finding Nemo and its sequel, Finding Dory.
Voiced by Ellen DeGeneres, Dory is one of Pixar’s most genius creations – “I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine. And he shall be my Squishy.”
That’s an equaliser for blue – low and to the goalkeeper’s left.
4. Sonic v Knuckles
Score: Red 1-2 Blue
Knuckles looks cool, but is a bit gullible. Also, Sonic the Hedgehog kind of has the whole franchise named after him, so it’s another goal for the blues, who have come from behind in impressive fashion.
That’s a converted penalty, Panenka-ed down the middle by Sonic himself.
5. Charizard v Blastoise
Score: Red 2-2 Blue
This was hard – we grew up with Squirtle as our chosen Pokemon, eventually evolving into Wartortle and then Blastoise, but Charizard (who sat proudly on the front of Pokemon Red) has a body of work that’s hard to ignore, as well as his prominence in Ash’s life, and thus the TV series.
A breathtaking equaliser from the reds – Charizard volleying in from the narrowest of angles into the roof of the net.
6. Blue v Simply Red
Score: Red 2-2 Blue
We can’t separate these two. We really, really can’t. Because we’d have to listen to both to make a judgment, and that’s something we’re not prepared to do.
Duncan James rattles the post while Mick Hucknall can only guide his header into the goalkeeper’s grateful gloves.
7. Elmo v Cookie Monster
Score: Red 2-3 Blue
So it comes down to this – in injury time, it’s all up to Elmo and Cookie Monster.
And we’re giving it to Cookie Monster. Elmo has star quality, sure, but Cookie Monster loves cookies so much. He loves them. So. So. Much. And you can’t teach that.
It’s a bit of a scramble in the penalty area, but Cookie Monster gets a toe on the ball, and that’s game.
So there you have it – scientific proof that Everton are all set to triumph 3-2 at Anfield this weekend. Just… don’t hold us to that.