'What's the point in living?': Former All Black Carl Hayman opens up about dementia struggle

The partner of Carl Hayman, the former All Blacks prop who went public last year with his dementia diagnosis, has described in devastating detail how he now asks her: "What’s the point in living?"

Describing the couple's turmoil at being part of rugby’s deepening brain injury crisis, Kiko Matthews and Hayman explained how his diagnosis came as he also suffered depression and headaches.

The 45-capped All Black and three-time European Cup winner with Toulon first showed signs of problems seven years ago when he forgot his son’s name while applying for a passport. "They asked me, ‘What is your son’s name?’ And I couldn’t remember his name or his middle name,” Hayman told New Zealand TV show Seven Sharp.

Matthews, an adventurer who broke the world record for rowing solo across the Atlantic despite having recently had a tumour removed, described how he now questions whether life is worth living.

In an interview with the Guardian newspaper, she added; “Carl will say, and I totally get where he’s coming from: ‘What’s the point in living? It’s only going to get worse. I’ve got headaches every day. I can’t function. And this is as good as it’s going to get.’ There is no cure.”

The couple and their infant daughter now live in New Plymouth, where they run a boat-charter business. “Carl has joked about going out to sea on his boat," she said. "Put in so much fuel and just go in one direction. And, you know, the fuel’s going to run out eventually…”

The couple met in March 2019 while on a peloton cycling the length of Britain for Doddie Weir’s foundation. Hayman was going through a divorce  at the time after a period of "several years thinking I was going crazy" with "constant headaches and all these things going on that I couldn't understand."

Hayman, whose playing career ended seven years ago with the French club, struggled with alcohol abuse and was given a suspended prison sentence in France in 2019 after admitting to charges of domestic violence.

However, he announced last year that he had joined a class-action lawsuit being prepared by former players alleging rugby federations, including global governing body World Rugby, failed to protect them from the risks of concussion.

Many former rugby players have been diagnosed with permanent brain damage, early-onset dementia, depression or symptoms and signs of CTE, which can only be diagnosed after death.

Looking back on his career, he says: “I was a commodity, and I understood that. It’s like that scene in Saving Private Ryan, when the guy tells the bloke with shell shock: ‘When you can accept you’re dead, you can function as a soldier.’ That rang true from a rugby point of view. Once you accept your body’s screwed and you have no respect for it, you become an awesome player. Now I’m sort of paying the price a wee bit.”

Under a new individualised approach, World Rugby announced on Tuesday that all players who have a history of concussion, or who fail the off-field Head Injury Assessment during a match, face a minimum 12-day layoff before returning to play.

Only players who have no concussion history and show no symptoms following a medical test taken after two night's rest will be able to return to play after a minimum of six days following a review from an independent concussion specialist.