Premier League Bingo: How many points can you accumulate from the weekend's fixtures?

Dan Zeqiri
Premier League Bingo: How many points can you accumulate from the weekend's fixtures?

After the lull that was the international break, it's another weekend of unadulterated Premier League madness and a full quota of fixtures to savour.

See how many points you can collect as Jurgen Klopp and Ronald Koeman lock horns in the Merseyside derby and Arsenal host Man City. What sort of protest will the 'Wenger Out' brigade come up with this time?

SATURDAY

Everton vs Liverpool (12.30pm)

5 points: The 'friendly derby' lives up to its reputation by producing another red card. 

15 points: Sky's commentary team tell us exactly how many air-miles Philippe Coutinho and Roberto Firmino clocked up on Brazil duty. 

25 points: Ronald Koeman promises Roy Keane there will be retribution for Ireland's treatment of James McCarthy using a literal translation of the Dutch proverb for 'what goes around comes around'' - 'the little bean comes to the deserved'. 

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Burnley vs Tottenham Hotspur (3pm)

5 points: The Dean Marney derby is a tight affair, but Maurcio Pochettino's side win by a one-goal margin.

15 points: Kieran Tripper refuses to smile, blink or show any signs he might be enjoying himself out of respect to his former employers. 

25 points: Sean Dyche observes that 'all Spurs do is run around a lot, and if Burnley did that you'd call me a dinosaur'. Burnley do and we don't, Sean, but have some more straw for that gigantic man you're building. 

Chelsea vs Crystal Palace (3pm)

5 points: The league leaders are far from their best, but a late set-piece goal takes them three points nearer the title. 

15 points: Jose Mourinho once remarked that Sam Allardyce's West Ham played '19th century football' at Stamford Bridge, so the Palace manager turns out in full Victorian top and tails. 

25 points: Wilfried Zaha opens the scoring and peels off his Palace jersey in celebration to reveal an Ivory Coast strip. Gareth Southgate looks on sheepishly from the directors' box. 

Hull vs West Ham (3pm)

5 points: Mark Noble scores a penalty on his return to the team. 

15 points: Davids Gold and Sullivan consider buying whatever Hull player puts in a halfway decent performance against them. 

25 points: West Ham fans hover competing 'Slaven In' and 'Slaxit' drones over the KCOM Stadium. 

Leicester vs Stoke (3pm)

5 points: The footballing public agree that this does NOT qualify as a local derby. 

15 points: After his Radio 5 Live appearance discussing the perils of dangerous tackling, Charlie Adam stamps on a Leicester player. 

25 points: The pork pies of Melton Mowbray are not too far away, and Xherdan Shaqiri appears to have put a serious dent in their stock. 

Manchester United vs West Brom (3pm)

5 points: The game is heading for another frustrating Old Trafford draw, but United score a late winner via a Darren Fletcher own goal. 

15 points: Jose Mourinho and Tony Pulis warmly embrace before the game in a way that only mutual enemies of Arsene Wenger can. 

25 points: We're treated to more inference and innuendo in Mourinho's post-match interview as he sounds off about the fixture list, Article 50 and the quality of the continental breakfast at the Lowry hotel. 

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Watford vs Sunderland (3pm)

5 points: Hero of the hour Jermain Defoe scores another goal. 

15 points: The game is last on Match of the Day, and the fact Watford are a mid-table team makes us question whether this really is The Best League In The World. 

25 points: David Moyes confirms he will stay at Sunderland next season, but tells fans not to expect any signings, goals or wins. 

Southampton vs Bournemouth (5.30pm)

5 points: Both teams score at least two in a high-scoring encounter. 

15 points: Police struggle to contain both sets of supporters in this FIERCE local rivalry and things threaten to get nasty when a fan throws his vanilla latte. 

25 points: The BT Sport team head back to Harry Redknapp's Sandbanks gaff for post-match festivities, where Michael Owen nurses one can of Tetley's Smooth Flow for the duration of the evening. 

SUNDAY

Swansea vs Middlesbrough (1.30pm)

5 points: Paul Clement's side win 2-0 to earn a precious three points. 

15 points: 42 per cent of viewers decide now might be a good time to walk the dog. 

25 points: Mo Barrow and Adama Traore have a personal competition to see who can run the ball out of play the most. 

Arsenal vs Manchester City (4pm)

5 points: Arsenal produce a respectable performance to salvage some pride, but a 1-1 draw is of little use to them in their pursuit of a top-four finish. 

15 points: Pep Guardiola and Alexis Sanchez hug after the game, the world puts two and two together and decides the answer is seven.

25 points: Graeme Souness can barely bring himself to watch in the Sky Studio, such is the absence of REAL MEN in either team.

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