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Premier League HOT or NOT
What’s sexy - and what isn’t sexy - in football this week…
HOT
Mice
Games at Old Trafford have been infamously turgid this season, with a total of just 17 goals scored in all the league matches at the Theatre of “Dreams”, but Manchester United fans enjoyed a rare moment of excitement on Saturday when a mouse ran onto the field during the visit of Southampton. All those present were charmed by the cute creature except Louis van Gaal, whose face turned to stone like a man who had long ago been warned by a fortune teller that seeing a furry rodent on a football pitch would immediately precede the destruction of his career. Therefore, LVG was unsurprised when Charlie Austin scored Southampton’s winning goal and caused everyone to shout at him.
Diego Costa
Many say it’s been a poor season for Chelsea’s Brazilian Spanish striker, but it depends on how you look at it. In terms of goals and victories, this campaign does not match the high standards Costa set in the Blues’ title-winning year. But if you judge it on the amount of Arsenal players he has managed to get sent off, then it is going rather well. After Gunners defender Gabriel took an early bath for kicking Costa back in September, Per Mertesacker was red carded for what can best be described as “lunging” at the Chelsea man on Sunday. Arsene Wenger accused Costa of being “clever”, as if this was a bad thing. Oh, and Costa scored the winner too.
Francesco Guidolin
Swansea City rarely appoint the manager they are expected to, and it’s a tactic that always seems to work. So those who were scratching their heads when a little-known, 60-year-old Italian coach took charge at the Liberty Stadium should not be surprised that he started with an impressive 2-1 win at Everton. In fact Francesco Guidolin is only “little known” outside of Italy, where he won silverware and repeatedly qualified for Europe in a distinguished career at clubs including Udinese, Palermo, Bologna and Vicenza. It’s funny to think that most English clubs would rather just appoint Tim Sherwood.
NOT
Glasses
There’s a reason footballers don’t wear spectacles during Premier League matches - and it’s the same reason Clark Kent always took his off before he went flying around saving the world. Glasses are liable to get broken during physically demanding activities. Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp learned this the hard way when he tried to aggressively cuddle Adam Lallana and the rest of his players after the midfielder’s last-gasp winner in the Reds’ incredible 5-4 win at Norwich. Meanwhile, Alex Song removed his special protective glasses midway through West Ham’s 2-2 draw with Manchester City because he “couldn’t see properly” while wearing them. The Cameroonian then proceeded to boss the midfield without the specs.
Scoring free-kicks
Two of the most entertaining free-kicks of the season were struck on Saturday, and neither of them went in. One was a spectacular effort from West Ham’s Dimitri Payet, which forced an even more spectacular save from Man City goalkeeper Joe Hart. But most spectacular of all was an effort by Leicester’s Robert Huth, who fired a set-piece from a promising position just outside the box into the vicinity of the corner flag. It was such an impressively woeful attempt that even Huth was seen laughing his head off at his own incompetence, and historians are currently scouring the annals to find a worse free-kick in English football history. Not scoring free-kicks is the new scoring free-kicks.
Nicolas Otamendi
Man City’s £32m summer signing from Valencia has a slick, sexy haircut, which is good except for the fact that it requires constant maintenance. This is particularly problematic during matches, when Otamendi has other things to do such as defend. The centre-back’s usual solution is to tidy up his hair whenever the ball is dead (injuries, substitutions, free-kicks etc), but this backfired when West Ham’s Michail Antonio caught him out with a quick throw-in at Upton Park on Saturday. While Otamendi was running his hands through his greasy locks, Enner Valencia nipped ahead of him to score. Otamendi is fast starting to rival Eliaquim Mangala as City’s funniest defender.
