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The UK Cabinet is in disarray. In fact, we’re not sure there even is a Cabinet at the moment given they all quit in their efforts to get Boris Johnson to do the same.
But fear not, we’ve selected a full Cabinet of highly-qualified footballers and managers that could step in and do a far better job than the current lot.
We’ve gone through (almost) every ministerial and secretarial post and picked out a perfect person for the job from the world of football. You’ll definitely agree with all our selections.
Prime Minister – Frank Lampard
Probably not top of many people’s lists of who they want as the next Prime Minister of the UK, eh? No, but seriously, bear with us.
Lampard is the most realistic option available for selection. He is actually a Tory and went to private school, so ticks two of the boxes Conservative members will doubtless be looking for from their next leader.
Most of all, though, we want to see Lamps in action in PMQs.
Just imagine; Keir Starmer grilling Super Frank over policy in his squeakily earnest, interrogatory style and then the answer delivered in two acts with perfect Lampardian swagger and poise. Glorious.
A whole year of building, all that hard work in the press room, all comes down to this: this is perfection. Liquid Lampard. The Carlos Alberto vs Italy 1970 of Lampardian Transitions. pic.twitter.com/4VwIZxzLL2
— Adam Hurrey (@FootballCliches) July 14, 2020
Deputy Prime Minister – Emma Hayes
Let’s face it, we’ll need a seriously able deputy to keep this show on the road (and provide some serious answers to serious questions).
Someone with some strategic nous. Someone with a proven record of building successful institutions. Someone who can furnish the nation with cutting analysis of problems and accurately identify the solutions to them.
Step forward, Emma Hayes.
Chancellor of the Exchequer – Arsene Wenger
A boring choice? Maybe.
But for Chancellor, boring is the order of the day and Le Professeur is clearly the most qualified candidate.
While we had his ear, we’d also get Emma Hayes to convince him that this World-Cup-every-two-years business he keeps banging on about is a load of old tosh.
Foreign Secretary – Fikayo Tomori
Tomori went abroad and dominated, immediately bringing success back to a once-powerful institution that had long since become a laughing stock on the European stage.
We really couldn’t ask for much more.
READ: All hail Fikayo Tomori, Milan’s Serie A campione and England’s best CB
Home Secretary – Megan Rapinoe
The last of the Great Offices of State and we’re putting an American in? A bloody American? Well, yes, yes we are. And we’re not going to apologise for it.
Indeed, there’s plenty of precedence here, as Rishi Sunak can testify. And we’re pretty sure Rapinoe is better cut out for this office than anyone else in football.
In fact, we’re going to get actually political for a second.
Would the UK be sending vulnerable people on planes to Rwanda at huge cost to the taxpayer if Rapinoe was Home Secretary? No, it would not.
Would ‘conversion therapy’ for transgender people still be legal if Rapinoe was Home Secretary? Would it fuck.
Would civil servants in the Home Office get mercilessly bullied by their boss if Rapinoe was Home Secretary? Probably not, no.
So there you go; an American as Home Secretary.
Defence Secretary – Duncan Ferguson
The most perfect fit for the role of any of the names on this list, without a doubt.
In fact, with Big Dunc at the helm, we wouldn’t need a standing army and the argument for a nuclear deterrent would be null and void.
Health Secretary – Nadia Nadim
We were going to choose James Milner for this role as Ribena and Yorkshire tea on the NHS is something we can definitely get behind.
But then we remembered that 99-cap Denmark striker and former Manchester City and PSG player Nadia Nadim is actually a qualified doctor.
Education Secretary – Marcus Rashford
Some of you might have had Dr Marcus Rashford MBE earmarked for one of the Great Offices of State. And we’re sure he’d do a cracking job in any of them.
But, like in a football team, we want our ministers in the positions where we feel they can be most effective.
For Manchester United, Rashford is not at his best as the main man up top but out on the left wing (pun intended), pulling off an elastico before cutting inside and curling one into the far corner.
This appointment is in the same vein. Imagine what he could achieve for the children of our nation, what he could do to ensure all young people from all backgrounds got the best start in life.
It gives us a warm, fuzzy feeling inside just thinking about him on ministerial visits to primary schools, grinning as he kicks a ball about on the playground with the pupils.
READ: 7 times Marcus Rashford was a better person than all of us put together
Business Secretary – Daniel Levy
We asked Harry Kane and he said this was probably a wise choice.
Environment Secretary – Hector Bellerin
The only footballer we can imagine wearing socks and sandals. More to the point, the only footballer we can imagine wearing socks and sandals and actually pulling it off.
In our very own Lampardian transition though – no, seriously.
Bellerin is a genuinely committed environmental campaigner. He is famously a vegan owing to his concerns over sustainability and he has backed a project that’s planted tens of thousands of trees in the Brazilian Amazon.
Culture Secretary – Eric Cantona
“As flies to wanton boys, we are to the gods.”
Work and Pensions Secretary – Roy Hodgson
We know a significant proportion of the nation still hasn’t forgiven him for putting Harry Kane on corner duty at Euro 2016, but we reckon Roy’s a safe pair of hands here.
He’s the only logical choice, in fact, as a man who’s had a ridiculous number of jobs and can draw a state pension.
He’d also add a bit of intellect and some more language skills, which could be useful, as well as bringing a bit of light relief to cabinet meetings.
He’s funnier than you think, is Roy.
READ: What would you do boss? I’d f*ck off! – Roy Hodgson is nothing like you think
Northern Ireland Secretary – Martin O’Neill
Yes, he managed the Republic, but Kilrea-born Martin O’Neill remains a legend of Northern Irish football having led them out as captain at the 1982 World Cup.
We mostly want him as part of our cabinet for the withering put-downs, though.
He’d be a brilliant candidate to send out on the media rounds if Lampard needed someone to defend him.
Scotland Secretary – Ally McCoist
For no other reason than that we really love Ally McCoist.
READ: 7 times Ally McCoist has shown he’s the best co-commentator around
Wales Secretary – Chris Gunter
You can keep your Welsh superstars, your Aaron Ramseys and your Gareth Bales.
While you can never question the commitment of those two, what we need here is someone who drips Cymru from every pore of their being, a man who is transformed by the mere sound of a male voice choir going through their arpeggios.
Without wanting to be too harsh, Gunter is a trundling Football League defender when he plays at club level. But with the dragon crest over his heart, he suddenly becomes a superhero, a man in form but a demi-god in spirit.
Wales deserves this appointment.
Minister for Women and Equalities – Eniola Aluko
Aluko also qualifies on the actually-a-Tory front, but that’s not the reason we’ve got her in here.
Unlike the current incumbent of this office, she actually appears committed to promoting diversity. Have a read of what she said when we talked to her earlier this year.
READ: Eniola Aluko: ‘The England team is not diverse, we can do better’
Brexit Minister – Sam Allardyce
He’s literally Brexit in human form.
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